Saint John boxer hangs up her gloves, opens up about battle with mental health

Saint John boxer Charlie Cavanagh is following her intuition and stepping away from the sport.

But the decision didn't come easy.

"I felt a lot of guilt about that because being a profes‐ sional athlete is a dream job a lot of people would love to be in that position," she said.

"I think that, for most of my career, I did feel [like] a bit of an imposter.

"I've been a boxer for over a decade now and I almost don't know who I am without it. So I think that I was dread‐ ing the sport because I knew that it was time for me to leave, but I didn't really know how to do that."

Cavanagh, 23, started boxing at 12 and along with being on Team Canada, she now holds numerous world titles.

WATCH | 'I'm hopeful that conversations like this will help invoke change'

While Cavanagh could be seen smiling on the podium, behind the scenes, she was battling her own demons.

In a way, she said she felt an obligation to continue the sport, noting how as a na‐ tional team member, there was always a sense that she needed to bring home medals. But also, she said her community knew her as the "boxer with the goal of reaching the Olympics."

"I sort of felt that I owed that to someone," she said. "I don't know who I owed it to, but I felt that I owed it. And that made it really difficult for me to walk away without that goal being accom‐ plished."

She also said she started to worry about some of the physical injuries she was get‐ ting, including two serious concussions, and how those would affect her.

Cavanagh posted the an‐ nouncement that she would be leaving on Instagram about a week ago. Accompa‐ nying the post, she included a compilation of tearful mo‐ ments.

She said she thinks the video represented how she was feeling for the past few months. She said travelling alone so much gave her a lot of time to just sit with her thoughts.

Eventually, she said she was crying almost every day.

And the mental health challenges that come with playing high-level sports has also affected other athletes worldwide. This includes Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps, tennis star Bianca An‐ dreescu and Olympic gym‐ nast Simone Biles who took a two-year break for mental health reasons.

Natalie Durand-Bush, a University of Ottawa sports psychology professor and the executive director of the

Canadian Centre for Mental Health and Sport, said it takes a lot of courage for ath‐ letes to step away from a sport and publicly acknowl‐ edge their struggles with mental health.

She said she thinks when high-level athletes are vulner‐ able in this way, it opens the door to conversations around mental health.

WATCH | 'You might ex‐ perience ups and downs like every other person on the planet':

"Some of the aspiring ath‐ letes looking up to them could be saying … 'If they're facing struggles, with all their success, with all, you know, the skills that they've devel‐ oped, then it should be OK for me to also be open about this or to get the help that I need,'" said Durand-Bush.

"I think it's also letting people know that these peo‐ ple are human beings, first and foremost."

She said the decision to step away from a sport, whether it be temporarily or permanently, is not made lightly. She said athletes who have invested so many years in their career often have a "high athletic identity," so to step away can be tough.

For Cavanagh, another challenge was her fight with an eating disorder, which she also recently opened up about on Instagram.

She said she thinks ath‐ letes in all sports can relate to struggling with eating dis‐ orders, but especially in box‐ ing, since it is a weight cate‐ gory sport.

"There's always the pres‐ sure to be close to your fight weight," she said, adding that small comments from a coach or athlete can com‐ pound.

"Looking back, I know that I'm in a healthy body. But those things definitely played with my self image and the more overt things of having a meal plan and having to weigh out your food, it really results in being food ob‐ sessed."

While Cavanagh is still in recovery, she said she's made huge leaps since posting about her retirement. She al‐ so said she expected to re‐ ceive a loss of followers and some criticism, but instead, she's experienced an over‐ flow of support.

Now, Cavanagh has future plans as well - she's been ac‐ cepted to a program at Mount Saint Vincent Univer‐ sity in Halifax to work toward becoming a dietitian; she took up the sport of rowing at a beginner level; and she's moving in with her best friend.

And despite her chal‐ lenges with boxing, Cavanagh said the sport has given her a lot.

"Boxing has … taught me that I'm more powerful than I give myself credit for, and that I have strength and re‐ siliency," she said.

"A lot of these aspects that have helped me so far in boxing are going to help me in any avenue that I pursue. For so long, I thought that I had to be a boxer and that these traits only would help me in boxing.

"But I'm starting to see that my strength is not only physical in the ring, but it can manifest as, you know, vul‐ nerability online and ways to help other people and ath‐ letes [who] might be experi‐ encing similar pressures in sport."

If you or someone you know is struggling with dis‐ ordered eating, here's where to get help: