This is why you're burnt out from using dating apps

Mehak Shoeb's taking a break from using dating apps.

After years of swiping, the 31-year-old human resources professional from Toronto says she's reached a point where she needs a breather.

"I just feel like with any‐ thing, when you invest too much of your energy and you're not getting the out‐ come that you want, you kind of need to take a step back," Shoeb said.

She's not alone. CBC News spoke to several dating app users across Canada who said they feel dissatisfied with platforms like Tinder, Bumble and Hinge.

Dating apps have been around for at least a decade, and have become a chief way for people to meet each oth‐ er.

But app researchers and therapists told CBC News that some users are now feeling burnt out after spend‐ ing so much time on the ap‐ ps, because of how they make them feel.

"You're chatting with peo‐ ple and the conversations just go nowhere," said Taly Levinsky, a 28-year-old from Vancouver. "And the burnout comes from just, like, contin‐ uously experiencing these types of lacklustre matches."

Natasha Streiling, who lives in Victoria, says the apps are creating a culture of burnout.

"The endless swiping, the endlessly reading people's profiles and the trying to fig‐ ure out what to say to peo‐ ple," the 28-year-old said.

Research from Singles Re‐ ports, a data analytics com‐ pany, shows people are frus‐ trated by the online search for love. The 2022 survey looked at 500 adults in the U.S. between the ages of 18 and 54 who had used at least one app in the previous 12 months. Nearly 80 per cent of respondents said they'd dealt with some form of emotional fatigue or burnout with online dating.

Some counsellors like Jes‐ sica Taylor say they're seeing more patients burnt out from the apps.

"I think this problem is coming from just the apps themselves, you know, and we haven't really figured out the best way to use them," said Taylor, who's based in Denver.

What is burnout?

Burnout feels like you've reached your capacity, says Sadaf Siddiqi, a psychothera‐ pist in New York who works with people on issues like anxiety and difficult relation‐ ships.

It can manifest physically, mentally or emotionally, and any area of your life can trigger it, Siddiqi says. But it can look different for every‐ one, and some people - like introverts or people already struggling with their mental health - can feel it worse, she adds.

In relation to dating apps, burnout can present itself in a few ways, therapists told CBC News.

You may no longer find it enjoyable to use the apps, and you may catch yourself getting frustrated, exhausted or anxious. You might be swiping on fewer profiles, ending conversations quickly and feeling disinterest or negativity with the apps or dating.

It could look like "wanting a relationship, but honestly, just downloading the app and then quickly deleting it or not engaging with the app at all," said Taylor.

Some apps like Bumble and Hinge have acknowl‐ edged that their platforms can affect people's mental health, and have shared tips on how to manage those ef‐ fects.

WATCH | Why dating ap‐ ps are causing burnout:

The rise of gamification

It might be difficult to use the apps in moderation because they're designed to keep you hooked, according to Kathryn Coduto, an online dating and internet behaviour research‐ er and an assistant professor of media science at Boston University.

"They are businesses and they want their users to stay on them."

"Part of what the algo‐ rithm is trying to do is trying to show you matches that you might be interested in, but you're also going to get some that maybe aren't as good because you have to swipe through those to stay on there," she said.

If that sounds like a game, you're not wrong. Coduto points to the subtle gamifica‐ tion of apps as one way they keep users reeled in.

The algorithm encourages you to swipe and chat - even past your dissatisfaction or annoyance. You're prompted to talk to matches you haven't yet spoken to and even buy in-app features to boost your chances of finding someone.

"I think the swipe inter‐

face, the gamification, leads to burnout because it doesn't feel like there's a genuine connection being sought," Coduto said. "People also get exhausted from just having to judge other people based on their photos. And that leads to feelings of almost hypocrisy or feeling like you're shallow."

Agraj Rathi, a 27-year-old copywriter in Vancouver, says the amount of time he spent dating due to the apps im‐ pacted him negatively.

"I just felt like I was going on too many dates. I would go on maybe … a couple of new dates every month," said Rathi. "And I just felt like I was losing myself in a way."

"It's … kind of like an ad‐ diction."

Six users in the U.S. made similar accusations against the dating apps in court, bringing forward a proposed class action in February against Match Group, which owns Hinge, Tinder and Match.

They accused the com‐ pany of negligence and of having a predatory business model. The suit claims the platforms' gamification turns users into "gamblers locked in a search for psychological rewards."

Match Group denied the claims. A spokesperson said the suit was "ridiculous and has zero merit."

Ghosting and other notso-nice behaviours

Burnout also stems from users and how they act on the platforms, say Taylor and Siddiqi.

There's the routine, robot‐ ic introductory conversations that never seem to flourish into anything interesting, let alone a first date. Or the cy‐ cling through different apps, talking to multiple people in the hope of finding some‐ thing meaningful. There's even the fear of being cat‐ fished - where a user pre‐ tends to be someone else online.

And perhaps everyone's least favourite scenario: being ghosted, where some‐ one stops communication without any explanation.

"Dating culture definitely brought to the forefront how detrimental ghosting is to someone's mental health," Siddiqi said.

But, she said, people who ghost others might also be feeling overwhelmed them‐ selves, and don't have the skills to communicate how they're feeling.

With all these scenarios playing out on the apps, it can sometimes feel like no one is making an effort any‐ more. Siddiqi says a prime is‐ sue she sees with young peo‐ ple and dating apps is not giving relationships enough time to blossom.

"If you know that there's more options once things get hard, you're more likely to give up on that option and just move on to the next."

Rachel Katz, a dating app researcher and digital media sociologist in the U.K., says users might often clash be‐ cause of their different goals on the apps. People are likely to burn out the more they match with those who don't want the same thing as them, she says.

Shoeb says as she's got‐ ten older, she's more aware of what she is looking for on the apps, and it doesn't in‐ clude something "really ca‐ sual."

"That's just not where I'm at right now."

Traditional dating is get‐ ting tougher

Like others, Shoeb says she would love to meet someone in person, but traditional dat‐ ing has become a "little bit harder."

Going up to someone and starting a conversation isn't as common anymore, she says.

"Today, people don't do that as much, because they might think it's coming across weird or it's not going to be reciprocated."

But Streiling says she's been focusing on meeting people in real life in recent years, and says the resulting connections from doing so are much more organic.

"Dating apps are kind of losing their sparkle that they initially had, because we're … losing the human connection of it all."

LISTEN | How apps have changed the dating scene:

Not all doom and gloom

Though some users have reached a tipping point with the platforms for varied rea‐ sons, it doesn't mean that they don't work for anyone.

A 2020 survey of nearly 5,000 adults in the U.S. found that 12 per cent have mar‐ ried or been in a committed relationship with someone they met online.

And Shoeb says while she's currently in a dating "low period," two of her pre‐ vious relationships blos‐ somed through the apps.

"I am an advocate for dat‐ ing apps, but I think you have to do it in moderation, and you have to intentionally date."

Better ways to use the apps

But despite the challenges, it's safe to say dating apps are here to stay.

So how can you best navi‐ gate them? The therapists and researchers we spoke to pointed to a few different measures.

Take breaks from the app, even if it means deleting it for a period of time.

Use only one app at a time, and don't talk to multi‐ ple people at once if it over‐ whelms you. This includes avoiding binging on the app so no swiping for hours.

And try your best to not use the platforms if you're al‐ ready feeling stressed or tired, like when you're at work or school.

Importantly, Siddiqi says, be mindful of and respect your limits as best as you can.

"My biggest tip for having a constructive experience on dating apps is to increase your self-awareness," she said.

"Don't judge yourself, don't shame yourself, just know how you operate."

It's something Shoeb has been doing until she's ready to get back out on the dating scene.

"Dating for me is fun," she said. "Right now I'm taking a breather."

"But I do want to meet my person, so I'll probably be back on it."

This is part of a CBC News Social series explor‐ ing the realities of being single and dating in Cana‐ da.