Moms long for time alone, but research suggests an unfair division of labour means they seldom get it

Wake up at 5 a.m. Hide from your children. Lock yourself in the bedroom. These are some of the more common tips and tricks often suggested on‐ line to moms who want time to themselves.

If that sounds extreme, Cassandra Orr, a mom of two young children, jokes that all she had to do to get some alone time was break her an‐ kle.

"Before this I had at least one kid with me at all times," Orr, 33, told CBC News from her home in Ottawa, where she's recovering from surgery after snapping her ankle in four places while walking down a flight of stairs two weeks ago.

"I don't mind it all the time. Like, I enjoy spending time with my kids. But it would be nice if I had the op‐ tion to have a moment alone before this, for even a dinner or something."

She's not alone. New re‐ search from U.S. parenting website Motherly, which re‐ leases an annual report around Mother's Day, found that just 39 per cent of Gen Z and Millennial moms sur‐ veyed get at least an hour to themselves a day. The re‐ searchers surveyed 5,608 U.S. mothers through their subscribers list, social media and partner channels, focus‐ ing on the Millennial/Gen Z cohort of 3,220 respondents between the ages of 18 and 43.

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The findings can't be ap‐ plied to the wider population, but they still provide a snap‐ shot of the pressures faced by mothers and echo similar findings about Canadian par‐ ents.

While studies have found that fathers today are taking on more parenting than they have in the past, mothers are still generally the managers of the household, according to Lisa Strohschein, a profes‐ sor in the department of so‐ ciology at the University of Alberta and the editor-inchief of the journal Canadian Studies in Population.

"It's a structural issue that women need time to be alone while men don't have those problems," Strohschein said. "They just don't en‐ counter them in the same way that women do."

She explains some of this is because, historically, men have more traditionally worked outside the home.

"And even if women are also working, if a kid is sick, the school is not calling dad. The school is calling mom. She's the one deemed to be responsible."

Division of household responsibilities uneven

The desire moms have for alone time can be at least partially explained by the di‐ vision of household responsi‐ bilities and child care, other researchers note.

A 2023 study published in the journal Applied Research in Quality of Life found that over half of Canadian moth‐ ers with young children re‐ ported desiring more alone time compared to about onethird of fathers.

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The authors of the study suggested that the reason for the greater desire among mothers was their higher lev‐ els of responsibility and ex‐ pectations compared to fa‐ thers, especially when it comes to the mental load of planning, which is often invis‐ ible.

"This leads to mothers longing for fairness, which rarely comes," the authors said in the paper.

They add that less alone time is associated with agita‐ tion, chronic stress, fatigue and other harmful impacts on mental health.

Lead author Tom Buchanan, a professor of so‐ ciology at Mount Royal Uni‐ versity in Calgary, said in a news release that house‐ holds need to have intention‐ al conversations about how fathers can take more initia‐ tive when it comes to time spent parenting and plan‐ ning.

"If fathers contributed equally to parenting, house‐ hold and cognitive labour, it would likely reduce mothers' desire to be alone."

Another issue, notes Strohschein, is that while fa‐ thers may be taking on more household responsibilities now than they have in the past, often those responsibil‐ ities take on a predictable pattern of fathers spending more time with their children while mothers handle more of the scheduling.

Women still consistently take on a larger share of un‐ paid household work, includ‐ ing chores and child care, ac‐ cording to a 2022 Statistics Canada report.

So while the division of labour may be improving, Strohschein says that when we look at who is keeping up with household tasks like cleaning toilets, at the end of the day, "It's still women."

'Time to get my life to‐ gether'

In the U.S. Motherly study, 15 per cent of respondents said they hadn't worked out for at least 30 minutes even once in the past year.

The desire for exercise is how Orr, who is on maternity leave, found herself on bed rest. Until recently, she says she basically had zero time for herself. She doesn't have family in Ottawa, and be‐ cause baby-sitters are expen‐ sive, she doesn't go out on her own.

But then her four-year-old daughter's daycare had a spot available for her 16month-old son. Although she's not due back to work as a dental hygienist until June, she had to take the spot ear‐ ly in order to secure it.

"I figured I'd use this time to get my life together. Try and get back in shape before I was due back at work, clean the house, meal prep, have a moment alone, maybe shower in peace," Orr said.

"And it was going great. Until I took the stairs down after a workout class and my ankle buckled and broke in four places."

Now, with both kids still in daycare, she suddenly has lots of time to read and watch television while she has to stay off her ankle for eight weeks, but she says she'd prefer to be useful.

"I miss the kiddos, though, honestly. I didn't want this much alone time."

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