Fun, fun, fun on our fake waterless beach
BEACH BLANKET BLUES
A screenplay treatment by Edmonton city council
(The film opens with a long aerial establishing shot of the North Saskatchewan River Valley, zooming into Louise McKinney Park. The audience sees a few lingering traces of dirty snow under the bushes, and some white plastic grocery bags snagged in the trees.)
Gidget: Hey Moondoggie! Isn’t it The Ultimate? We’re at the beach! Moondoggie (looks at her with
obvious admiration): Wow, kid, that’s how to stuff a wild bikini. I’ve got my board and my bongos in my woody and I’m ready to catch some curls.
Gidget (blushing): Moondoggie, it’s 2015. A woody doesn’t mean what it did in 1962.
Moondoggie: Gee, Gidge, I’m just here to ride the waves. Where are the big swells?
Gidget: Gosh. Here in Louise McKinney Park, we’re not allowed to go in the water. That’s why there’s a big fence that separates us from the river. Moondoggie: A beach where you can’t swim? What would the Big Kahuna say about that? Gidget: Well, you see, Edmonton city administrators think it’s too dangerous for people to be able to touch the water. Moondoggie: Wow. Beach baby, beach baby, give me your hand! I had no idea the surf here was more dangerous than the Pacific Ocean. They must have some mighty big killer sharks here in the Great White North. Well, if we can’t surf, can we at least build sand castles? Gidget: Oh no. There’s no way to get water for that, either. Moondoggie: No water? Gidget: Well, there’s a misting machine. Moondoggie: A MISTING machine? That doesn’t sound very gnarly. It sounds more like something my mother does to her plants. Or her ironing. Well, there’s sand, at least. Hey, is that a needle I see? Gidget ( giggles): Oh, gosh, there are all kinds of pretty shiny things in the sand here. I see beer cans! Broken glass! Maybe we can have a treasure hunt! Or play beach blanket bingo! Moondoggie (looking around): I’d rather be picking up good vibrations than garbage, thanks. Funny, I don’t see a lot of families with kids here. Gidget: Golly, MD, that’s because this is an urban adult beach experience. Hardly any families live in this part of the city. Actually, this particular neighbourhood has an extremely low residential density. But I guess the city didn’t want to build a beach someplace like Rundle Park or Government House Park, where lots of families already go to play, and there’s lots of free parking. They wanted a downtown beach, where hipsters could lounge on deck chairs. Isn’t it cool? Moondoggie: Yeah, it’s cool, all right. (Pulls a sweatshirt over his head.) Help me, Rhonda, it’s May, and I still see snow on the ground. Didn’t anybody think that building a fake waterless urban beach in a city where it snows from September through to May might be a kind of funny idea? Gidget: Oh, Moonie, dontcha like fun? In a city where it’s only summer for a few weeks, I think people need to grab all the beach time they can. Besides, faux-beaches like this work in Toronto and Paris and Berlin. Never mind Santa Monica. Edmonton is trying to make itself into the Paris of the prairies. Moondoggie: How many clams did it take to square this thing? Gidget: I’m not too sure. Back when the Community Services Committee of Edmonton city council gave preliminary approval to the plan — that was on Tuesday, April 30, 2013 — the city didn’t provide any information at all about how much the project would cost. But less than an arena, I guess.
Heck, Moondoggie, you don’t seem very impressed. Don’t you think a city has an obligation to invest in its downtown and bring its river parks to life? Moondoggie: Sure. I’m just not sure this was the smartest way to do it. It’s better than something totally crazy like a gondola. But does this beach serve families — the beach boys and girls? Does it connect people to the natural riverfront?
I’m just glad Frankie and Annette can’t see us here. I’d be embarrassed.
Tell you what. Jump into my woody, and we’ll head for West Edmonton Mall. I hear the surf’s always up there. Gidget: Aw, you’re sweet. But I’ll think I’ll stay here, and have fun, fun, fun, till city council takes my mist-machine away.