Blame a toddler for your screw-ups

Being the parent of a small child is awesome and here’s why: you now have an excuse for everything.

Why are you so late? Toddler. Why are you so cranky? Toddler.

Why are you such a boring, ill-mannered slob? Toddler.

Toddlers are the perfect out, the ultimate no-questionsasked justification for all screwups, mishaps, poor choices and productivity fails.

Bye bye housework! With a toddler, you no longer have to clean the toilet, weed the garden or chip ice off the front step. People know how hard it is, and if they don’t know how hard it is, it’s your job to demonstrate for the cause.

And so long to courtesy! With a toddler, there’s no need to reply to emails or show up for appointments (on time, or at all). There are only so many hours in your day. And don’t worry about signalling when you change lanes, or taking up two parking spots. Um, hello, baby on board!

Just sit back, relax and say it:

Sorry, guys. I have a toddler.

Like it or not, toddlers are a parent’s raison d’être. So why not make them the raison, too? Why not make the most of the fire-hydrant-sized autocrat you’re feeding, clothing and entertaining?

Sure, before the whole had-ababy thing, you were punctual, tidy and health-conscious. You were a law-abiding citizen who kept abreast of current affairs, a good colleague and friend.

Now, you can let go of all that responsibility, be out of the loop about the news, the trends, the latest films and books.

People don’t ask questions. They don’t whine or roll their eyes or call your bluff. They don’t know if last night really WAS the night your little one woke up five times, leaving you so bleary-eyed you couldn’t help but speed through the construction zone before you let the elevator door close in someone’s face while you examined the ceiling panels.

Stains, spills, grease marks, the toddler excuse is like CLR: a fast-acting, powerful solution to every little mess. If you’re lucky, your toddler is still too young to talk properly, so they can’t profess their innocence properly.

Refrain from overuse, however. Yes, having a toddler is a solid alibi for your no-show at the wedding of that obnoxious cousin, but people might figure it out if you use it to avoid every wedding of every obnoxious relative. Show up now and then, just to prove it’s a parenting hiccup.

My excuse is capricious, blond and slightly bowlegged. He likes cement trucks and hugging, and adamantly believes himself to be a butterfly.

Which reminds me. I’m sorry this column is so awful. My toddler wrote it.