HOW DOES HE DO IT? WE TAKE A LOOK INTO THE SECRETS OF SANTA CLAUS
He goes by many names: Kriss Kringle, Santa Claus, Saint Nick, Father Christmas and Deer Leader.
He knows when you are sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. Your mother loves him, and your father has never met him.
Despite his appearances at malls, parades and street corners, no one really knows him or how he pulls off this whole Christmas thing.
Every year, Santa Claus delivers presents to more than 400 million children with apparent disregard for the law, physics or his health. Travelling at such high speeds, slipping through chimneys and guzzling an estimated 10 million litres of milk in a single night appear to have no effect on the 1,500-yearold philanthropist.
“His job presents some unique challenges and so does his lifestyle,” said Dr. Richard McCrea, a resident at the University of Alberta Hospital. “I imagine the constant scaling of chimneys must be putting pressure on his abdominal organs. He must have issues with acid reflux and difficulty breathing.”
McCrea was even more concerned with the speed at which Santa travels and all those cookies he’s scarfing down.
“I’m guessing when you’re travelling near the speed of light that the wind chill is significantly worse,” McCrea said. “Most superheroes can fly or shoot lasers out of their eyes, but maybe Santa’s superpower is an incredible tolerance for cholesterol, which would probably be better for most people.”
Santa’s job is certainly physically demanding, but is it even physically possible? Thanks to the international date line and the rotation of the Earth, Santa has 32 hours in total to complete his task of worldwide delivery of trinkets. The extra hours are probably a godsend for the whipped-bare reindeer juggernauts, but still a fantastic feat to complete.
“At the very least he’s exceeding the speed of sound,” said Brian Morrell, a master’s student in the U of A’s medical physics program. “If anyone’s ever been to an air show, you’ve felt a sonic boom. It’s earth-shaking. That would be happening at every house, heard for miles, and in the immediate vicinity, broken glass and concussed homeowners.”
Santa appears to have developed a technology far beyond the capabilities of online retailer Amazon.ca, which announced the possibility of using drones to deliver packages to limit the time between purchase and shipping.
Santa is not only a superhero with possession of unprecedented weapons-grade technology, but he’s also a domestic and international criminal — a red-suited menace, if you will. Knowing if you’ve been naughty or nice is an invasion of your right to personal privacy, said Matthew Woodley, a lawyer and partner at Reynolds Mirth Richards & Farmer LLP.
“It’s also considered data collection that is contrary to the Personal Information Protection Act. You could make a complaint to the Privacy Commissioner (to stop Santa). You could apply to the Court of Queen’s Bench for an injunction stopping Santa from engaging in the illegal behaviour.”
Santa isn’t just encroaching on individual liberties, he’s also crossing international borders and flouting import taxes with impunity.
“He has to comply with Canada’s import laws,” said Woodley. “There would be a question of whether or not there has been collusion with Canada Customs and whether they are aware of the significant amount of goods Santa is bringing into the country. There should be some sort of approach to ensuring taxes are paid on imported goods.”
Despite this, Santa will continue to force gifts and cheer into millions of homes. His unstoppable criminal empire may appear to be above the law and reality, according to McCrea, Morrell and Woodley. But in the end, there is no point in whining or pouting. Like it or not, Santa Claus is coming to town.