When they say ‘I Do,’ what do you do?
Gift-giving etiquette not always clear when you are not attending
Dear Randall: I have been invited to the wedding of a second cousin who is 30 years younger than me and who I hardly see. Should I send a wedding gift if I don’t attend? — Linda Dear Linda: Traditional etiquette dictates no matter who the person is or how often you see them, you are to send a wedding present. People often feel these gifts are in exchange for their invitation, when really they are completely separate. They’re a token of your affection.
If I attend a wedding I absolutely give the happy couple a gift. Etiquette in this case also dictates that the gift should be dropped off at either the couple’s home or one of their parents’ homes prior to the wedding. This should be done for a couple of reasons. One: the couple or a designate is not left dealing with a whole bunch of presents of the day of nuptials. Second, there is less chance of something going missing.
You should also deliver your gift as soon as you can after receiving your official invitation. Likewise, you should give a wedding gift even if you are in the wedding party or going to a destination wedding. These exceptions don’t change how you feel about the couple, or the journey they’re about to take together, so they shouldn’t change your present.
I do love etiquette; however, I do admit that I deviate from what tradition dictates when I am not going to attend the wedding. If I don’t go, it is usually for one of two reasons: I am not available or I do not feel close enough to the couple to attend.
If I am close to the couple but am not able to attend the wedding, I do send them a wedding present. However, if I choose not to attend a wedding because I am not close the couple, I do not send a wedding present.
So my advice in this instance is to use your discretion. If you feel comfortable with not sending a gift and that it will not cause family friction, then I say do so. If you are left with some doubt though, use etiquette as your guide. It will never steer you wrong.
Keep those lifestyle questions coming to randall@ randallmacdonald.com. Anything from etiquette, event planning, travel, fashion, you name it, I would love to hear from you.