Shared faith the cherry atop many relationships

‘Isn’t that really prejudiced, Emma?” my friends used to ask me at school, when I explained that it would be my preference to marry someone from the same faith as me.

“No, it’s just easier and what most people are expected to do,” I used to stammer back — unsure of how else to explain myself or the seemingly “weird” religion into which I’d been born.

Fast-forward five years, sitting across from the best-looking guy I spied at university, I finally figured out the answer. The conversation on our first date was flowing so fast and easily it was practically fizzing. I felt as if I was floating above the dinner table, so big were my eyes and smile in delight. This man just “got me” — in every possible way: my humour, my views, and even my family’s traditions.

Fast-forward another 10 years and we’re married. My husband and I didn’t click because we were both Jewish (I hadn’t even properly taken in his religion before our first kiss), but it did add a level of immediate understanding I’d never experienced with anyone else before.

And that’s precisely it: wanting to date or be with someone from the same background as you isn’t a yearning reserved solely to those affiliated to a religion. It’s exactly the same desire that drives people with similar education levels and backgrounds together. Ideally, we all want to be with someone who fully comprehends every part of us, and who doesn’t wrinkle their nose at the traditions we’ve grown up with, whether that’s lighting the candles on a Friday evening or watching sports every weekend.

As an Oxford University study recently published has confirmed, non-religious folk don’t find the idea of dating someone who is religious sexy. They immediately assume believers are “rigid,” “closed-minded” and generally less attractive.

Now, anyone with the emotional intelligence of a gnat would know not to chat up someone with: “Hey, good-looking, fancy a pray later?” Or even drop the “G” word (God, that is) until you felt comfortable enough with that person to discuss the private matters of faith.

However, what this study did confirm is that the tendency to form relationships with those of similar religious beliefs is driven by stereotypes as much as genuine preference. Researchers also concluded that participants were more likely to see those with a comparable outlook to them as potential partners.

This is because the human race is largely narcissistic. We love being with people who are like ourselves; who reinforce our beliefs and world views. We want spice and points of contention, but a loving partnership must always have a deep, mutual understanding at its core.

I’m not arguing that all same-faith unions are happy. One look at divorce rates, which cut across all religions, puts paid to that theory. Nor am I saying mixed-faith relationships are inferior, though they can put strains on even the toughest of bonds once children come along.

No, it’s still about finding the perfect person for you, but the cherry on top could be a shared faith. My husband and I aren’t very religious Jews, but we both like the culture and traditions our faith provides. And the fact we know neither will think the other is “weird” for wanting to fast one day of the year to atone for our sins on Yom Kippur.

So while stereotypes might make it slightly tougher for those of faith to find love, here’s hoping when they do, they’ll be totally free to be themselves.