Speech nets silver

It’s often preferable to stay quiet, but you might think twice about leaving your recorder running.

An unnamed Vienna, Va., man was recently awarded half a million dollars after a medical debacle he says left him anxious, unable to sleep and deeply embarrassed.

Realizing he wouldn’t be lucid after his April 2013 colonoscopy, the man flicked on his smartphone to capture his doctor’s instructions. On the ride home, he listened to a recording of what medical staff actually said while probing his nether regions.

“After five minutes of talking to you in preop,” the anesthesiologist told the sleeping man, “I wanted to punch you in the face and man you up a little bit.”

The conversation turned to his genitals, which had a mild rash. Staff tittered about syphilis and tuberculosis.

They also speculated about his sexual orientation, called him a “big wimp” and added a false diagnosis of hemorrhoids to his chart, just for kicks.

After listening in post-procedural horror, the man sued for $1.75 million US. A jury ordered payment of $400,000 for malpractice and damages, with another $50,000 apiece for two of the penis jokes. Nobody’s laughing now.

“We have to give him something, just to make sure that this doesn’t happen again,” a juror told the Washington Post.

After all that, next time he might just opt to record the instructions before the procedure.