PARENTAL PURSUIT OF PERFECTION REQUIRES SUPPORT
Judgement-free community needed in lifelong adventure of raising children
My first mom column was published almost two years ago to this day.
Since then, I’ve gone from being an underslept, overwhelmed mother of a two-weekold, Indiana, to a slightly less underslept, slightly less overwhelmed mother of a two-yearold. The more things change …
Since then, I’ve watched as my stepsons, Chile and Tripp, aged eight and six at the time, have gone from loving, affectionate big brothers — unsure of how to hold our tiny baby — to 10- and eight-year-old boys who are capable, confident caregivers and companions.
Watching the three of them together is one of the greatest joys I’ll ever have.
This column has been an outlet to communicate my stresses, anxieties, guilts, fears and joys.
Everyone deserves such an outlet for the frustrations and wonders of parenting. That’s probably why we see so many mom blogs and Instagram accounts dedicated to raising kids; so many Facebook groups where moms can vent their frustrations and support one another.
Because, yes, it does get easier in some ways. But I’ve learned that motherhood doesn’t turn a magic corner when your kid is six months, or a year old, or two or — probably — 20. Parenting is a lifelong adventure. (Just ask your parents.)
What I’ve learned in two years is that new parents — particularly, though not always, new moms who often bear the brunt of the child-rearing — need communication, support and community.
And crucially, that community needs to come without judgment.
Women with young children are constantly being bombarded with impossibly high standards they’re expected to uphold. “What’s best for our kid” governs our day-to-day life. As it should — but to a degree.
Because if constantly trying to be the perfect parent is eating away at your happiness or selfesteem, it’s gone too far.
Who said that more than 20 minutes of screen time a day was going to ruin your child’s life? Who said that all of his meals had to be not only organic and nutritious but also homemade and prepared (with love) by you? Whose idea was it for us to have three apps on the go reminding us exactly which milestone they’re supposed to hit and when? Why are so many women terrified of popping a bottle into their infant’s mouth at mom group instead of a boob? Who said we have to potty train at this time or that?
Don’t get me wrong, screenfree lives are great, homemade food is incredibly nourishing, and breastfeeding is beautiful and ideal when possible.
But taken all together, all the perfect parenting stuff is really hard to keep up.
If your community shames you for a parenting choice, it’s not the right community. If you want to support a new mom but only if she shares your world view, that’s not real support. We need more empathy and compassion for parents — less judgment.
So, I want to remind you, parents, that you’re doing great. You don’t have to take your toddler to three activities in one day. It might seem like everyone else takes their kids to the zoo, swimming and the park every day. But often, they’re lounging around the house in their PJs.
It might seem like everybody on your Instagram is teaching French to their 18-month-old, but mostly, they’re not.
It might seem like all the other toddlers had clever homemade costumes this past Halloween, but mostly they didn’t. (Mine didn’t even trick-or-treat. He stayed home with his grandpa. He won’t remember.)
Parents aren’t “doing it all” flawlessly. They’re not even doing it by themselves.
Mostly people are getting by with the help of a village — of family, friends and Facebook communities. Mostly people are putting on a TV show for their kid so they can catch an extra 30 minutes of sleep. Mostly people are popping that frozen pizza in the oven when they’re too tired to make dinner after a long day of work.
Mostly, people are doing their best.
Some things I’ve done, for example, that people frown upon:
I eagerly and gratefully got an
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epidural (two actually).
I stopped breastfeeding after a
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few weeks.
I let Indy watch TV.
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Sometimes I let him eat waffles
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for dinner because he won’t eat anything else.
He’s still dependent on his bottle,
■ and I haven’t had the heart or energy to wean him.
Sometimes on the weekend, we
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stay in our PJs all day and play and cuddle and we don’t leave the house at all.
And he’s not just OK despite these things, he’s thriving. Healthy, loving, smart and social.
After two years of parenting my toddler, I want to tell you that it’s amazing to do all the very best things for your child all the time. But you’re still a great parent if you can’t.
It’s been a privilege to share my parenting life with readers of the Edmonton Journal. I’m sad to share that this will be my last column for this newspaper, as I’ve accepted a permanent position with my day job, CBC Edmonton. Every new mom or dad deserves an outlet and a community for the joys and pains of parenting.
Thanks for being mine.