Happiness is ...
Putting good habits in your life can help you gain a positive outlook, author says
Science has finally caught up with what Bobby Mcferrin told the tired, poor, huddled masses listening to the radio more than three decades ago: Don’t worry, be happy.
Even if the political landscape is a flaming dumpster fire, and the environment is careening into crisis mode, don’t worry, be happy.
Author Gretchen Rubin says it’s the psychological equivalent of putting on your oxygen mask first before helping others.
“Sometimes people feel like it’s selfish or not morally appropriate to seek to be happier. They think that with everything that’s going on in the world, it seems very self-centered. But research shows that when we take steps to be happier and more calm and have more self-mastery in our own lives, we can turn outward and think about others’ problems and the problems of the world,” she says.
“Often people who are unhappy become defensive and angry and preoccupied with their own problems. But when you’re happy, you don’t have to think about yourself as much and you have the emotional wherewithal to think about the pain of the world and the work of trying to help.”
But how exactly do you go about implementing habits that will make you happier?
Rubin, who hosts a podcast and has written several bestselling books on the subject, including The Happiness Project and Happier at Home, has a theory.
In her recent book The Four Tendencies — the basis of which is the subject of the recent PBS special Roadmap to Happiness With Gretchen Rubin — she lays out four personality types and the keys to spurring each to action.
“One of the big challenges of life is, how do we get ourselves to do the things we want to do? And how do we get other people to do the things we want them to do? The four tendencies make it much easier to understand why we do what we do, and why we don’t,” says Rubin.
“In my own observation, people find it really useful and it explains things about themselves and other people that have been really mysterious. So there’s a lot of satisfaction — like, ‘Oh, now I understand why I can’t use a to-do list!’”
There’s a quiz on Rubin’s website you can take to determine your type. It all has to do with how we deal with the expectations others put on us, and the expectations we put on ourselves.
Upholders strive to meet both inner and outer expectations, meaning they don’t want to let others or themselves down. Schedules and to-do lists work best for upholders — and Rubin admits she’s a textbook case.
“It made a lot of sense about a lot of things that had puzzled me my whole life became absolutely clear,” she says, adding that pencilling in daily tasks helps her form habits.
“I try hard to get enough sleep. I go for a walk or do yoga or do strength training just about every day. I try to read every day. I eat a very low-carb diet. I have all kinds of habits related to connecting with members of my family. I have a high affinity for habits and to-do lists.”
Obligers, who comprise most of the population, make it a priority to meet outer expectations but not always inner ones. They’ll put themselves last by default, and benefit from some form of external accountability. For example, if an obliger wants to exercise daily — an expectation they put on themselves — recruiting a workout buddy will help.
Letting down a friend who’s cleared their schedule is the last thing they’d want to do.
Questioners, meanwhile, meet only inner expectations. In other words, they’ll only do something if it makes sense to them and aligns with their values. They resist rules for rules’ sake. Questioners need to know all the details before deciding to go along with something — the who, what, where, when and why.
Finally, rebels resist both inner and outer expectations. As the smallest percentage of the population, they value authenticity and self-determination above all else. Ask them to do something, and they’ll likely push back. But show them how something falls in line with their identity, and they’ll be more enthusiastic. Think Polonius in Hamlet: “To thine own self be true.”
There are tricks to implementing happy habits, though, that work for all the tendencies. The “clean slate” approach advises you form new habits when you’re already transitioning to something new — like moving to a new house. You can also pair a new habit (like walking on a treadmill) with something you already like to do (like binging Netflix).
Rubin also praises the convenience factor, explaining that we tend to avoid doing something if it’s a hassle.
“We’re wired to look for the shortcut. Every little bit of friction matters. But we can harness this to our advantage,” she says. “On the one hand, it’s like, well, are we lazy? On the other hand, you’re like, well, I can’t be bothered to get the cookies off the high shelf in the kitchen. It’s a laziness that’s helpful, if it is indeed lazy.”
Overall, Rubin is optimistic about us poor, tired, huddled masses and our capacity to change ourselves and our world.
“I think research says people generally are happier across time,” she says. “Probably for each person it’s an individual thing, though. It’s where you are in life, what stage you’re in, challenges you’re facing. But there’s low-hanging fruit that is well within our capacity that we could do to make us happier.”