DIGITAL DECORUM

Monica Heisey on her #LOL texting etiquette.

24 ACCEPTABLE REASONS FOR ME NOT TO TEXT YOU BACK

1. I was watching a very important documentary about human rights and the environment.

2. I was watching the same Taylor Swift video for the 40th time today.

3. I am trying to play it cool; I already texted you once today.

4. I’m still looking for the right emoji.

5. I “just saw this.”

6. I “just saw this” for real. 7. I am very, very deep into a game of Scrabble with my grandma via app. 8. I’m in the weird corner of my apartment where there’s no service.

9. I’m not really Laughing Out Loud, and I respect you too much to lie to you. Your joke was fine but not great, you know?

10. I misread your last message and presumed you didn’t want me to.

11. I misread your last message, presumed you didn’t want me to and then spent anywhere from one to eight hours drafting and deleting long apologies in various tones and with various levels of desperation.

12. I have had three or more drinks, so my phone took away my texting privileges. (It’s for my own good.)

13. I’m sexting aggressively with someone, and I’m worried that adding a separate conversation will throw me off my game and lead to my accidentally sending you a picture of my boobs.

14. I’m in a Selfie Zone and can’t break my stride; things are looking real good over here.

15. I’m trying to look cool and smart on the train, and everyone knows that smart people don’t check or even have phones. 16. Sleeping.

17. My mom is talking to me, and she thinks that phones as a concept are “rude.” 18. Too busy thinking about food.

19. Wasn’t feeling it.

20. I tried to choose between “ha,” “hehe” and “hahaha” for, like, 12 minutes and then gave up. 21. My phone is almost dead, and I’m kind of hoping that that guy will get in touch so I need to conserve my battery in case I deign to respond.

22. My phone is dead.

23. I just really can’t handle this right now, ANGELA!!!!

24. My petition to have a mac ’n’ cheese emoji created has been unanswered, and I’m on a text strike until justice is served.