Pastoral isolation

Resisting this occupational hazard is essential to keeping moral integrity

Resisting this occupational hazard is essential to keeping moral integrity.

If only I had someone to talk to, I’m sure none of this would have happened,” David told me. He was an ex-pastor in his early 60s reflecting on an experience of moral failure. I was conducting PhD research with ex-pastors like him who had fallen into extramarital affairs, addictions such as alcoholism and pornography, emotional codependency, egoic-role attachment and other immoral behaviours. Sadly, David’s deeply emotional regret and belated understanding of the role of isolation were realities I’d heard all too often in my research.

David had been a pastor for 30 years, shepherding more than 5,000 people in a variety of large congregations. Amazingly, his people-focused ministry had still left him feeling isolated and alone. For some of us that seems like it should be impossible.

For me, it’s actually not hard to empathize with his brokenness. I served in a

church for 17 years, and while there I felt both well known and unknown.

Like most pastors I would share quite openly in my sermons, offering personal stories and illustrations from family life. People appreciated my transparency and authenticity.

Yet there was part of me that still felt isolated and alone. My research has shown me that’s true for most pastors.

More specifically, my research suggests four primary factors related to moral descent – marital struggles, burnout, past hurts and most notably isolation. Isolation was the second-most referenced contributing factor in a pastor’s moral failure, even more than marital struggles.

Of the pastors I studied, 75 per cent acknowledged isolation as a critical factor contributing to their moral indiscretion.

It’s urgent that churches address these issues now. As Covid restrictions continue and even increase in some locations, the lack of relational connectivity may accentuate these feelings of isolation, placing pastors at greater risk.

DOES ANYONE REALLY CARE?

Feelings of isolation can leave you feeling invisible, unknown, unsupported, as if the weight of responsibility rests solely on you and that no one really cares. Acute feelings of isolation can easily lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms. Such feelings are a precursor to burnout and moral descent.

It’s amazing how common loneliness is among pastors. And yet so many continue to press on in ministry without sharing their personal struggles. Why?

As one participant shared, “I was scared of the embarrassment and shame, so I kept ploughing on, getting worse and worse, trying to hide things.”

The sad, but common sentiment is that pastors feel they have no one safe to share their struggles with.

NEED BETTER SUPPORT SYSTEMS

For instance Dan, a pastor for two decades, had tried to reach out for support, but was discouraged by unhelpful responses. “I tried to talk to some people about my struggles, but the response was either diminishment or shame. It was just so awkward or they would literally shame me. So I just shut down.”

Many, perhaps most, churches do not have the mechanisms in place or the awareness and energy needed to handle the raw reality that a leader can struggle with significant issues.

Sam, another ex-pastor, agrees. “A lot of times pastors are struggling, and when they try to tell the church, it honestly doesn’t know what to do with that information. There aren’t systems in place. There aren’t people with a lot of experience to help.”

Pastors told me they wished they’d had someone with whom to be completely honest. Josh admitted, “I never had someone like that and I never trusted anyone. . . . I wish I’d had someone.” He went on:

Many pastors and church leaders are struggling with moral issues, but they have nowhere to go, no one to talk to. Because if you talk to someone, you’ll lose your . . . you’ll lose your position. So the only other choice is to just be quiet. Internalize it. Isolate yourself. Those are all bad things to do, but we don’t give any other options. And there have to be some other options provided to help people who are struggling.

POSITIVE MASKS

Many pastors feel they need to promote a particular positive image and hide personal struggles that don’t match that

“I was scared of the embarrassment and shame, so I kept ploughing on, getting worse and worse, trying to hide things.”

image. As 78-year-old Pastor John reflected, “What was crucial about me in those years is that nobody knew me, they didn’t know what I was struggling with. I was unknown. I understood that’s what pastors did – they maintained a distance from the church.”

Evan too confessed, “I didn’t know how to open my heart vulnerably. I didn’t know how to be real. All I knew was how to put masks up.”

Joe agreed. “It was like we all wore masks and were really afraid to be honest about anything. Everyone had a façade. I lived my life with a façade most of my ministry.”

David summarized what so many pastors expressed. “I was afraid. Afraid of rejection, [afraid] of what would happen to me and [not imagining] whom would I talk to – that was my biggest mistake.”

Why pastors feel the need for masks derives largely from community expectations. Perhaps congregations could help reduce the burden on pastors by intentionally working to discuss our unreflective expectations of what holiness should look like. Could we replace them with the clearly expressed expectation that churches consist of broken people, including struggling pastors?

Other best practices include fostering a redemptive culture and establishing a spiritual care team for a pastor.

ADVICE FOR YOUNG PASTORS

A key form of self-protection for pastors is authentic transparency. In my study, 90 per cent of participants said it was the best advice to give young pastors to assist them in their ministry experience.

This transparency was applied to three main areas – true accountability, preemptive counselling and self-awareness.

Collectively these pastors who experienced moral failure expressed the warning, Do not live in isolation. Have at least one friend you are fully transparent with, with no fear of repercussions. Someone you can be transparent with is not enough. You must have someone with whom you are actively practising this.

The voicing of a struggle is what begins to devoid it of its power. Our struggles gain potency in secrecy and isolation. As long as our issues remain in the shadows, they grow. But it is in bringing them into the light that they shrink and lose their power.

For the health of your life, marriage and ministry, it’s crucial at least one person truly knows you. If you don’t open up with transparent authenticity, no one will know you, and you risk eventually not even knowing yourself. From there it’s all too easy to slip into moral descent.

EXTRA URGENCY TODAY

With the persistence of the Covid pandemic, we must turn a caring eye to our pastors. Even though levels of isolation are a necessary reality at this time, we need to ensure they have someone they are utterly honest with, sharing every wrestling aspect of life. Let me say again, because it’s such a common mistake, having someone they can be honest with is not enough – they must have someone they are being honest with.

Isolation has become a more familiar term in our lives, but it continues to be one of a pastor’s most dangerous occupational hazards. However, we can safeguard ourselves by bringing our struggles, no matter what they are, into the light and so walk in greater freedom.

“There aren’t systems in place. There aren’t people with a lot of experience to help.”

“I didn’t know how to be real. All I knew was how to put masks up.”