HEALING FRACTURED RELATIONSHIPS IN CHRIST’S BODY

HOW WE CAN PURSUE HEALING

Ibroke my ankle doing gymnastics and my hand playing golf. A bad landing from the rings led to the ankle confronting the gym floor. A wet and slippery morning on a golf course produced another less than stellar arrival on the ground. Both stories usually precipitate mocking hilarity.

That I have broken two of my bones is not actually that unusual. Most people have broken one or two at some point in their lives. But what is essential is that they both healed.

As we age we experience a different trajectory when our bones break. Fractures don’t seem to get better. Muscles, ligaments and tendons around the initial crack begin to compensate and create more pain.

The entire body experiences a debilitat- ing impact.

You probably know where I am going with this. Unhealed relational fractures abound in Christian communities. I have observed this as a psychologist and consultant for many years as I have worked with leaders of churches and nonprofit ministries, and within pastoral ministry and theological education.

Relationships can break like bones. We hurt each other. Sometimes we don’t heal.

Unhealed fractures show up in lingering anger, cynicism, sarcasm and bitterness in our conversations and relationships. Spillage into other circumstances is common. We are triggered by people, not necessarily because of what they have done but because they remind us of past anguish.

CHURCH INJURIES

Many Christians have relational pain from church experiences, and it leads to a significant decision to leave the setting where they have been hurt the most. They are done with church and they’ve had it with Christians. They may prefer to be with nonfaith types or other disenchanted believers.

Other people have had it with Christian organizations. They are not sure if the adjective Christian even modifies the noun organization. Involvement in the secular world is not just a call but an escape to something they imagine to be healthier and less toxic.

And maybe saddest of all are those who have not just given up on people, church or faithbased organizations but on religious faith itself. They have had it with Christianity, not because of apologetic arguments or theological debates but due to heart-breaking relational breaches. It makes you wonder how much of the current swell of people re-examining and rewriting their faith (now often called deconstruction) is attributable to personal wounding.

Thankfully the biblical narrative does not deny or gloss over these human experiences of conflict. The first book Genesis starts with a story of a sibling murdering his brother. Almost makes you afraid to read the rest of the book. But the stories of people struggling with one another continue.

Envy among Joseph’s brothers, Saul and David in

Unhealed fractures show up in lingering anger, cynicism, sarcasm and bitterness in our conversations and relation- ships.

prolonged tension, conflict between Nehemiah and Sanballat, power struggles among the disciples, personal tension with Euodia and Syntyche, theological disagreements between Peter and Paul – all form part of the biblical record.

SEEKING PEACE

When we see people going into hospitals, we are not in shock. At some point all of us will have some physical challenges and medical needs. Brokenness is a given. But we expect healing and if it doesn’t happen we ask, “Why not?”

What are we to do about the lack of relational healing in the Body of Christ?

First, we might find it reassuring the Bible does not command us to be at peace with everyone. The biblical mandate is not that we should always drive around the town of Peace, but that we need to stay on the road that leads to that location.

Peter encourages us to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11). At the same time the writer to the Hebrews wants us to “make every effort to live in peace with everyone” (Hebrews 12:14), and the Ephesian church is told they need to “make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace” (Ephesians 4:3). Note the stress on aspiration, not destination.

The Apostle Paul also captures this emphasis in Romans 12:18 – “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

Don’t you love the realism of Scripture? Living at peace with others requires intentionality, effort and invitation. But there is no guarantee it will work out. We need to do all we can. We need to reach out, initiate, request and invite. All the while recognizing resolution may not be possible. We may be driving down the road to the town of Peace, intending to get there. But circumstances or the other person prevents arrival.

How do we ensure we are at least on the right road?

If we seek peace, we won’t move to another community and avoid closure in relational breaches. We will do the hard work of seeking to move toward resolution before we leave a church or other type of Christian community.

We will not blame shift or scapegoat, but will examine our contribution to the breach as we request dialogue.

While silence and withdrawal are attractive, we will reach out for face-to-face engagement to facilitate healing.

We will seek out wise advisors who will help us develop skills and provide encouragement to move toward resolution.

If we work toward the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace, we will frame relational breaches in light of their impact on the entire community and care about how the disagreements affect others.

In doing the hard work, we may have to navigate the messiness of nondisclosure agreements and breaches in confidentiality to achieve closure.

If we want to live at peace with others, we do not hide behind our shame, but demonstrate a willingness to speak openly and vulnerably into the relational tension.

When we have expended that effort, we may have to confront the painful reality that others may not actually want to reconcile. Unstewarded triggers, untransformed pain, untreated historical dysfunction or unwillingness to use external counsel or mediators may be barriers for them.

While we may wish it were otherwise and can pray to that end, our work is done – at least for now. Discomfort may remain, but our personal guilt can be released. Overtures toward restoration are on the table and ultimately we are not responsible for how others choose to respond.

A GOD OF RECONCILIATION

Why does all this matter?

We worship a God of peace – a God who has made peace with us. We serve a God who is a reconciler – God who has reconciled us to Himself.

What do we have to do to be exemplars of a peacemaking, reconciling gospel? At its most basic and personal level, we strive to live it out in our relationships with one another. If we teach about peacemaking and reconciliation in our churches and organizations, but deny it communally, our faith is invalidated.

Think of all the things Jesus could have said in his John 17 “dying wish.” I find it both stunning and convicting that one of His primary concerns was the unity of believers. Nonunion is the medical term used to describe a bone that remains broken but does not heal. Many churches and Christian nonprofits in Canada need to add a fracture clinic to their ministry offerings. Wounds would be healed. The gospel would be substantiated. Jesus would be pleased.

Living at peace with others requires intentionality, effort and invitation. But there is no guarantee it will work out.