Are You The "One?"
My passion is making a difference through positive connection with people, purpose, organization, and community. I want to leave whatever I am involved with better than when I started.
My biggest struggle was to place me at the top of the priority list. In my twenties, I didn’t do well with prioritization of self because I thought I needed to accomplish a great deal in my career. In part, it was due to being a female in a male-dominated industry and being a business person surrounded by engineers and technicians. At that time, I had greater disposable time and energy. I didn’t say “no” often, as I thought the opportunities would not come back.
Going through different changes, challenges, and milestones, I had to place me at the top (#1) with my family (close #2). My internal struggle was always, will there be enough of me to go around? What happens if my declined opportunity doesn’t come around again?
Over time, I gained lots of different experiences and knowledge. I also learned that if what I did was meaningful, opportunities would always exist. They may not be the same opportunities, but that is more than okay.
Are you the “one?” The parent, the spouse, the leader, the fierce one, the dear friend, the mentor, the coach, and so much more? How do you care for yourself when you are the “one”? As the “one” who is there for many, I haven’t consistently cared for myself while doing for others. It gives me great joy and satisfaction to be there for others. That said, when I fail to provide basic care to myself, everything becomes derailed – me and the ability to help others.
Self-care, for me, is the ability to take a daily “time-out” for rest and re-energization. The how varies a lot based upon whatever is swirling around in my life and the others I am responsible for. Moments in nature, whether
walking in a forest or getting my hands deep into dirt for gardening is soothing. Creating a masterpiece (painting, cooking, photography). When times are tough, and it will last a while, I add high intensity cardio or hot yoga four times a week beyond my normal routine to help burn the stress away.
Often it is as simple as a hot bath and a good read or scrolling through Instagram mindlessly with things that capture my attention.
As a mother, daughter, sister, dear friend, leader, collaborator, networker, volunteer, board member and lots of other hats, I have learned firsthand that maintaining a work-life balance is a juggling act. However, it’s more like water fluidly moving into the compartment of need, versus equally divided to each group. I have experienced and observed that it is all about the choices made and the ability to prioritize elements and needs of our lives.
In the past, when the pressure was on from multiple areas, I had to make hard choices for the results I needed. For example, when one of my parents was diagnosed with stage three cancer, my sibling and I needed to divide and conquer roles and responsibilities to navigate our complex healthcare system for a senior with cancer. At the time, I was between roles. As luck had it, I was fortunately restructured out of a job! That fortunate timing allowed me to be present so I could help with tests, therapies, healthcare visits and the rest.
When I found my next gig, I chose a company that supported me, my family and provided flexibility when needed. The role was that of CEO and my board was aware of my situation and needs. They were amazing people and a supportive board who cared about the company and its people.
Additionally, I have ensured lots of back-up in place, should I need it. Having dependable support, whether family, close friends, volunteers, or paid assistance, helped me when I was stretched, stressed, and had little time for the normal things that would allow me to cope.
Somehow life manages to give us lessons and roles that we either didn’t want or didn’t see coming. If I look back at the defining moments of flux, stress, challenge, I didn’t have a plan to take care of me, but I had to put something in place so I could do whatever made sense or whatever was needed at the time.
What have I learned?
Lots! Simply put, it starts and stops with us. We need to value and nurture ourselves when others depend on us. When energy is depleted, there isn’t anything else left to give. We need to learn how to have a minimum level where we stop so we don’t burnout, suffer health consequences or other negative outcomes of being overstretched, without time and energy.
I choose me.
We need to prioritize ourselves first, even if there are a lot of demands made on us. We need to fuel our mind, body and soul. Ensuring time to rest and recuperate regularly is a necessity. Choosing yourself sets the foundation for your life and the quality of it. It sounds simple and if you make yourself a priority, even with small steps, you can see that it makes a world of difference to you and all those you deal with.
When I was under huge stress with job changes, job loss, health issues, death of a loved one, family crisis, divorce or a poor work environment, I was required to “place the oxygen mask on myself first” before I could assist anyone else.
“No” is powerful.
Being able to say “no” was a huge challenge for me, particularly before my thirties. The more connected I was with others, whether home, work, play, or volunteering, the greater the number of requests or demands.
Whether you are a people pleaser, haven’t had the opportunity to speak up for yourself or something else, start small.
Below are a few responses I use regularly. Maybe some will work for you?
“I am not the best person for this, let me connect you with the right person / better person”.
“I don’t have time now. If you can wait for ___ hours / days / weeks / months, I may have time to assist. Otherwise, I cannot help you.”
If a boss or supervisor is making the request, ask for assistance with priority setting. Something like: “My current priorities have me
busy for the next week, what do you propose the new priorities to be?” A discussion to prioritize tasks and goals makes it easier to spend time on what is needed in the moment.
When you don’t have time, just say “no.” No apology or explanation needed.
If asked to do something for a fundraiser or an event that you don’t do or like to do, offer something else instead. For example, when my child was in grade school, I was constantly asked to bake something for a bake sale or fundraiser. For the record, baking is not something I am good at. Often the results look more like bricks than something even remotely appealing to eat. My solution was often to ask can I purchase something, donate something else, or assist in another way.
Schedule time.
With technology and its advancements, there are ways to free up time and schedule the found time for you. Also, the simple yet powerful act of blocking time in the calendar for self-care, learning, growing, doing, and accomplishing makes such a difference.
Block time for self-care and unless it is an emergency, it is your sacred and protected time. With generative AI (artificial intelligence / machine learning that grows knowledge from all its interactions) we can get assistance with writing, marketing, scheduling and allowing the AI to help with that which we feel is not our strength or is mundane.
Ditch toxic people
Those who are closest to you should be uplifting and supportive. Keeping great company and ditching toxic relationships is key to both mental and physical health. People can uplift us or break us. Ensure those who are close to you or who you spend a lot of time with make you feel good about yourself. I am fortunate to have my dearest bestie. She is a wonderful and dear friend, a sister from another mother. She is an amazing listener, joker, supporter, talker, inquirer, and helper of heavy lifting.
We’ve been through a great deal together and whether it is a chat, text, seeing each other and having fun, or dealing with life’s challenges, she always brings me great joy and happiness. She is a rare gift in life.
I have an awesome husband and
wonndedrful family. It is to have a close family that loves, protects, nurtures, supports or suggests changes for your benefit. I am a better person because of my close relationships.
As for the toxic ones … it is important to keep your state of mind in check. Are you drained from your time with the people or the job? Do you feel abused or taken for granted? Sometimes you can stand up for yourself and create an environment with hard boundaries. Other times, when you realize there is not much hope, it is far easier to walk away.
That said, when walking away, ensure you are in control of your departure and have plans for what is next. Being in control and seeing a future path makes change easier.
Seek help.
My life has had plenty of chaos alongside the opportunities. Sometimes it was a surprise and other times I ran into the fire to see how I could help. When life made a bunch of demands, I asked for help. Twenty-four hours before my son was to be dropped off for babysitting for the first time ever, the planned caretaker decided she was too busy and could not take him. I panicked and started calling family and friends. Fortunately, my sister-inlaw called her former caretaker, and the woman was amazing. One door closed and the open window was a miracle in disguise.
Having help from a variety of places allows us time to get things done, care for ourselves and others. There is no point in being the hero when there is little energy left. Ensure you have great contacts: family, friends, associates, and service providers.
We simply can’t do it all but if we prioritize ourselves, we can enjoy the journey.