Time will help heal emotions of marriage breakup

QMy husband and I met in law school, married and had three children. Then, a couple who moved here from England had a 10-year-old son who became inseparable from ours. We started doing things for them together — hockey, tennis camp, etc. Our two families even went on a March break vacation together last year.

Several weeks later, my husband said he and the “other woman” had been having an affair for months, and both were ending their marriages “as of this moment.”

He moved in with her that same day.

My life became a nightmare of shocks.

He’s mean to me at every opportunity. Our children also feel that he prefers her kids to them.

It’s a year later and I’m managing on the outside, still burning with pain internally.

How do I ever get past this betrayal?

— Still Devastated Your managing well externally means you’re not letting depression or self-pity overcome you. Your children need your strength and reassurance that they’ll come out of this change (and hurt) okay, just like you appear.

Their father is weak and cowardly, evident from his giving you no chance to improve whatever he felt was missing in the marriage. He ignored the possibility of marital therapy, which, even if it didn’t save the marriage, could’ve made the break more understandable through discussing the issues.

However, it’s not helpful for you to discuss his flaws with the children, who still

Aneed to feel their father is in their lives. Listen and be comforting when they’re hurt, but let any relationship between them and him develop if it can.

You’ve survived the first terrible year. It’ll get easier, emotionally. Personal therapy will help you focus on your own needs and ability to have future relationships.

QI’m a successful businesswoman who built a company on my own, got bought out, but was promised that I’d hold a senior position.

However, the new boss doesn’t accept that I’m also the mother of two youngsters and have always worked around the clock to give them time, while staying on top of the business.

I take work home and stay up till wee hours doing it, or get up before everyone else.

I’m producing at the same level as before, but he wants me to punch a time clock and gets agitated/angry if he doesn’t see my face 10 hours a day, in the office.

How do I get him off my back, keep my job, and give my kids the time and attention they deserve?

— Unhappy Turnaround The buyout money brought gain but also meant change. It’s time for new decisions that are practical and pro-active, in this new environment.

Start with the job, as it exists now. Try to make a deal with your boss, that he assess your output over the next six-month period, without checking on your “face-time.” If you’re meeting company goals, he then accepts your working style as positive and above reproach.

If he won’t accept that plan or suggest another that you can accept, it’s time for a different approach. Consider

Ayour skills and interests and how you can realign them in a new way.

It may mean starting a different company (noncompeting, if you signed an agreement) or joining one already formed.

This may be a holding period of trying something new while the kids are young. or, it could kick-start a whole new direction that gives you the professional creativity you need along with suiting your personal life.

QMy husband earns well, and my family left me money, so it came as a huge surprise that we were in deep debt. We went to a financial adviser, got a budget plan, and followed it.

I thought we were doing fine since, but my husband recently confessed that we’re once more in the red.

He won’t explain it clearly, saying only that our expenses were too high, given the recession, etc.

How do I discover what’s really gone wrong?

— Confused Either you’re both ignoring important pieces of the budget plan or one of you could well be gambling, investing riskily, abusing an expensive substance, shopping indiscriminately, or supporting outside people. If it’s not you, it’s him.

Sit down with the budget again and insist on examining both your cheque books and accounts. Then get to a credit counsellor and/or any other help one or both of you need (e.g. Gamblers’ Anonymous).

ATIP OF THE DAY After divorce trauma, maintain emotional strength, and get therapy if needed.