Look at the deeper issue

I’m a Registered Nurse. I work 36 hours a week. My husband’s a Construction Super who works 44 hours a week. His schedule is Monday-to-Friday, but mine is all over the map.

He refuses to help with house cleaning. He says that I’m home more, and work less.

We have two large-breed dogs which make a mess and a ten-year-old who’ll chip in to help when asked.

My husband empties the dishwasher, takes out garbage (when nagged), and takes our daughter to daycare when I’m working at 7am.

I’ve offered to split housekeeping but he believes I can do it all.

The house is getting out of control. I’m standing my ground that I’ll do my share, but not everything.

– Fed Up

You’re both convinced that you’re in the right, so it’s a standoff - one of the least helpful starting points for a positive solution.

Look closer at what’s going on. Are you really fighting about the house, or is some other matter getting “out of control?” Since you’re both working and earning, you could decide which tasks you each like least and hire a cleaner every two weeks or whatever timing’s affordable.

You might find a neighbour to share a cleaner (half-day each), to make it cheaper.

Once you get the external problem lessened, confront what else feels so wrong. Perhaps you two have never learned how to disagree without taking stubborn stands.

Or, he’s too controlling on matters that require joint decisions.

Or, you’re the one who holds back on working things out until you explode.

Make a list of the chores. Tick off the ones each of you already does.

Look at what’s left. Agree to both do two more. If many tasks are left, hire the cleaner, use a laundry service, find a dogwalker, etc.

If you’re still butting heads, see a marriage counsellor and learn how to negotiate and also recognize the deeper problem.