If you can’t trust a partner with their anger, walk away

I dated an amazing man for eight months and fell in love with him.

We’d planned to move in together, found a place, were packed and ready to go. Then, a disagreement ballooned into a full-out argument. He wouldn’t talk to me or take my calls for over a week.

I moved alone into the apartment we’d rented together, paying for movers and feeling devastated.

We talked in the weeks following. He’d rented his own place (which he can barely afford).

Though I’m relieved not to live together, I’m struggling to move forward.

I’d not seen this behaviour from him before, not to this extent.

I’m so disappointed after looking forward to sharing a home together. Yet I don’t feel I can trust him regarding any plans, even for doing activities together.

I’m always waiting for him to “lose his mind” again. If it happens, I’ll walk away without looking back.

Should I hope that he learns better self-control, or walk away now so that I don’t have to go through something so painful again?

– Alone and Waiting

Walk away now, until he wants to be together enough to commit to learning anger management.

He knows you’re “waiting,” so he can take his time, until he’s also tired of living alone, regrets the un-shared cost, or finds someone else until he dismisses her in anger, too.

You apparently ignored earlier signs of overreactions and temper. Now you know where they can lead.

Better to move forward on your own, rather than walk on eggshells around him.

Tell him that you won’t risk that level of upheaval again. Say that only if he acknowledges his explosive anger and gets therapy for it, can you consider a renewed relationship.

After hosting all holiday get-togethers for my stepchildren and families (sometimes 16 or more), for 26 years, I told my step-daughter and step-daughter in-law to consider rotating these dinners among our three houses. I explained that at 70-plus, my energy level is lessened.

They misunderstood and started yelling to their father that I said they’re not welcome here, that I don’t want to cook for them.

They all walked out after having dinner without a thank you or good bye.

I’ve been banned from my step-son’s house and my stepdaughter’s house since last Easter.

But they’ve invited their father and step-father to occasions.

Should I write to them that I haven’t said any of those things? In person, I cry easily. It’s been very hurtful to me and their father.

– Misunderstood MIL

Sadly, I don’t think you were “misunderstood.” These relatives have some negative attitude towards you that likely goes back to when their father married you.

However, I’m all for trying to find family peace if at all possible.

Yes, you should write them, but the real task of trying to clear things is your husband’s. He needs to stand up for you, say that he agrees that the next generation needs to pitch in.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20)

Reach out to someone at a distance whom you care about. Many of you will use the interaction you experience with this person as an excuse to change your weekend plans, and perhaps even to visit with a loved one. You know what is best for you. Tonight: As you like it.

This Week: Look beyond the obvious.

CANCER (June 21-July 22)

Relate directly to a loved one, and spend some quality time with this person. Your sense of amusement emerges when dealing with a child. One-on-one relating evolves to a whole new level. The unexpected shakes up the status quo. Tonight: Choose a favorite pastime.

This Week: A new opportunity takes you down a very exciting path.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)

Your inner wild child emerges, but it might be too much for you to handle. You could learn a lot about a friend at a distance who shares some surprising news. A loved one shows his or her willingness to add more excitement to your day. Tonight: Invite a favorite person along. This Week: Defer to others, and make your expectations clear.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

You might want to pace yourself and not get too involved with a matter involving a family member. Your finances take a walk on the wild side, no matter how you look at it. You can’t seem to keep your spending down. A little self-discipline goes a long way. Tonight: At home.

This Week: Get as much done as possible Monday and Tuesday.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

You might be more challenging than you realize. What is going on could shake up the status quo and prevent you from following through on your plans. You will like the excitement of an unanticipated change. Try to be less controlling than you have been. Tonight: Be carefree!

This Week: Stay anchored in your creativity Monday and Tuesday.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

You might want to take a hard look He must also remind his children that he’s your partner and wants them to respect you appropriately.

As for your letter, don’t mention what you didn’t say as they won’t believe you since that’s their united front.

Instead, repeat again that you want the family to be together on holidays, but it’s too exhausting to be the sole host. Suggest sharing a pot luck dinner sometimes, and rotating houses other times. Be clear that it’s family harmony that you want, for everyone’s sake.

FEEDBACK

Regarding the woman who can’t get over her one-night stand (April 14):

Reader: “While you politely tried to show her that she behaved in a manner leading up to nothing more than a one-night stand, and advised counselling, you mistakenly wrote that ‘there’s nothing wrong with you.’

“What’s wrong is that she drinks too much (and stuff). “What she ‘did wrong’ was expect a guy to wish more from her than one night of sex, when that’s how she presented herself.

“He tried to let her down easily, but felt she wasn’t worth seeing again.

“If this poor person wants†more in the future than a string of one-night stands, she needs a great deal more self respect, and to improve her drinking habits and behaviour.

“It sounds like there’s plenty of room for improvement.”

Ellie: Agreed. That’s why I recommended counselling and noted that her unrealistic expectations were fuelled by alcohol.

TIP OF THE DAY

If you can’t trust a future partner’s ability to manage his/her anger, walk away. at an unchangeable situation at home. An element of uproar runs through your day, bringing the unexpected toward you. You might need to clear the air in order to have a more positive experience. Tonight: Head out to a favorite place.

This Week: Let go Wednesday, when the need for fun arrives.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Make an effort to meet up with others who often color your day. You might even meet at a favorite restaurant. You could be too busy to handle a wayward moment with a child or loved one. You will see a difference in how you handle future interactions. Tonight: Near good music.

This Week: Speak your mind, answer questions, explore your options.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Be sensitive to the costs of continuing as you have been. Your ability to get past a problem remains high. If you make no effort to change, you could become depressed. Try to move past the immediate issue. Respect others’ choices, even if you don’t agree with them. Tonight: Accept an offer.

This Week: You make many demands of yourself.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Take news with a grain of salt. You could be irritated by someone who seems to be pushing for more of what he or she wants. Refuse to be pressured by this person. You have the ability to be more independent than many people. Tonight: Your spontaneity colors the night. This Week: Monday and Tuesday are prime times for you.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)

You will want to honor a special friend. Open up to talks, and discuss how this person would feel most rewarded. Some of you might want to take the day off, while others could decide to head to the movies. Play the next 24 hours low-key. Tonight: All smiles.

This Week: Start the week with quiet work.

BORN TODAY:

TV personality Tom Bergeron (1955), singer/songwriter Bob Seger (1945), actress Gabourey Sidibe (1983)