Daily harangues are unacceptable

I love my long-term live-in boyfriend dearly, and I know he loves me.

However, he regularly comes home from work in a foul mood and takes it out on me. He criticizes my cleaning skills, or insists on knowing what I’ve “done” in order to know what I haven’t done, and say that I’m being lazy.

This leaves me feeling anxious about his homecoming. He’s incredibly hardworking for long hours and even weekends.

He frequently tells me he loves me, he’s affectionate, but not often enough.

I’ve told him how I feel when he comes home, how it affects me, and he says he’ll try not to talk to me in that way.

But he rarely follows through. It’s causing me to have a shorter fuse, too. I’m putting my back up a lot quicker than I used to.

I want a partner who comes home and vents with me, not against me.

I’m unsure if I should grow thicker skin or continue to push the point that I don’t like how he talks to me.

– Foul Moods

I call it the “bad day faceoff” and unfortunately, it’s pretty common.

Instead of being a comfort for each other, couples meet headon at the end of their day and hang their frustrations, stresses, fatigue, etc. on their partners’ shoulders.

It’s unfair, but until you two come up with solutions, it can get worse by making you equally upset from anxiety.

Instead of fighting back, find a later moment together to offer some suggestions:

1) He re-sets his mood on arrival by doing something relaxing instead of checking up on you. Example: he takes a shower to un-wind, he plays with the kids (if there are any), he listens to music he likes, etc. And/or, 2) You stay out of his way for a half-hour or so, not asking about his day until you’re both ready to talk, maybe through dinner together or after.

If these approaches don’t help the situation, there may be other issues you need to air. Is he unhappy with some aspect of the relationship?

Is he having financial problems he hasn’t told you about? Is whether or not you’re working, an issue between you? Does he fear losing his job?

Obviously, you can’t just accept his regular harangues and criticisms.

Couples’ counselling may be needed to vent together, as you suggest.

If he refuses, then you’d benefit from going yourself to discuss the situation with professional help.