Friend car­ries no blame for hus­band’s be­hav­iour

Journal Pioneer - - LIVING ROOM - El­lie Tesher Read El­lie Mon­day to Satur­day. Email el­[email protected]­ Fol­low @el­liead­vice.

Q – Dur­ing my friend’s three­week stay with a mar­ried cou­ple the hus­band con­stantly tried to grab her butt and crotch when­ever his wife wasn’t around.

Fi­nally, he stole one of my friend’s un­der­wear and wouldn’t re­turn it un­less she went to the base­ment and mod­elled thongs that he’d bought her.

My friend re­peat­edly told him that she isn’t in­ter­ested in him, she has a boyfriend. She’s adamant that she won’t ever go back.

Since she didn’t tell her girl­friend (the wife) any­thing, what should she do? Sim­i­lar things hap­pened on a pre­vi­ous visit but the forced mod­el­ling is new. An­other time, the wife saw her hus­band grab my friend, then blamed her. P.S. — Some­thing sim­i­lar hap­pened when my friend was with an­other mar­ried cou­ple, and when she did tell this wife, he was kicked out, but then the wife took him back and dumped my friend. — Con­cerned Girl­friend

A – Your friend should avoid that first man’s pres­ence around her any­where. He has no re­gard or re­spect for her, his wife, nor the women’s friend­ship.

She must refuse any fur­ther con­tact with him, which means not stay­ing with that cou­ple again. She car­ries no blame for his be­hav­iour, but she needs to learn to pro­tect her­self. Bet­ter to lose a pair of un­der­wear than to have gone into the base­ment to sat­isfy the man’s gawk­ing and lust. That a sim­i­lar in­ci­dent hap­pened to her with an­other man and cost her a friend­ship with his wife is now too many ex­pe­ri­ences of this kind.

Dis­cuss with her the ob­vi­ous red flags she needs to rec­og­nize: mar­ried men who leer at her or try to get close when she’s alone. She’s been too trust­ing. In her case, the main rea­son she’s vis­ited these mar­ried cou­ples was her friend­ship with the wives. If the men had been true friends of hers, they wouldn’t have come on to her.

FEED­BACK: Re­gard­ing the man upset his best friend “stole” the woman he loves (Nov. 10):

Reader – “Any re­la­tion­ship where one part­ner’s treated as chat­tel by the other is, or should be, doomed.

“I’ve had my share of bro­ken hearts, but I’ve never re­acted in such a cow­ardly man­ner as the let­ter-writer.

“He owes ‘the girl he loves’ suf­fi­cient re­spect that he can ac­cept her de­ci­sion that she loves an­other man, even if it’s his best friend. Ab­sent such re­spect, she’s bet­ter off with­out him.

“The friend should ‘con­fess he has feel­ings for this woman’ and ‘he should’ve asked your per­mis­sion’? Se­ri­ously? It may well be that the (new) cou­ple could’ve han­dled an awk­ward sit­u­a­tion bet­ter, but your writer needs to man up and rec­og­nize that he’s out of the game.”

El­lie – Agreed that there are bet­ter ways to move in on a best friend’s girl­friend. And that the first re­la­tion­ship was doomed.

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