Know when to seek help for ill-fated re­la­tion­ship

Journal Pioneer - - LIVING ROOM - El­lie Tesher Read El­lie Mon­day to Satur­day. Email el­[email protected] thes­tar.ca. Fol­low @el­liead­vice.

My wife is ac­cus­ing me of cheat­ing on her. How can I tell if she is cheat­ing on me?

– Back At Her

So few de­tails, yet so much is re­vealed! I read dis­trust, game­play­ing, blam­ing, anger, even com­pet­ing at who’s more un­faith­ful! Your mar­riage is clearly in sham­bles.

If there’s any hope for it, this counter-at­tack isn’t the right path. In­stead, be hon­est - at least with your­self: Are you cheat­ing? And if so, why?

Once you can truth­fully an­swer those ques­tions, you have a start to­wards a con­ver­sa­tion.

But be­fore you even try to talk to her, first ask your­self if you re­ally think she’s cheat­ing, or you’re just try­ing to get some dirt on her to de­flect from yours.

If that’s the case, for­get it. It’s an un­der­handed ap­proach. And if you’re both cheat­ing, it would seem you de­serve each other. Un­less the two of you have no clue how to han­dle a re­la­tion­ship when any­thing gets tough.

If that’s so, and if you’re both will­ing to get coun­selling, go to­gether for help.

Ask to learn how to deal with each other dur­ing times of stress, doubts, con­fu­sion, fi­nan­cial dif­fi­cul­ties, work­place pres­sure, etc.

Those re­al­i­ties can pe­ri­od­i­cally set in mo­tion dis­tanc­ing be­hav­iour which leads to sus­pi­cions and nasty ac­cu­sa­tions. When that hap­pens, pur­su­ing your open­ing ques­tion above, in­stead of work­ing to­gether to fix things, will de­stroy any hope for the mar­riage.

It won’t mat­ter who cheated or if you both did.

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