Trust is fragile

My ex-husband and I divorced last year after 28 years together and two children, now 12 and 15.

I was a full-time mom for over ten years and am finally getting back into the work world, in a decent company.

He met another woman online who’s six years older than him, living in another country, and whom he’s not yet met.

I found the emails, and caught him having an online emotional, sexual affair that led to our divorce. All the arguing didn’t help. Now my ex- husband, who’s an accountant, is trying to help me because of our children.

He’s willing to do my taxes for free. Should I take him up on his offer or pay the $200 or whatever it may cost to find another accountant to do my income taxes?

– Frustrated Ex-Wife

Add up these facts yourself: Your ex-husband was capable of cheating on you online, emotionally and sexually, while you were raising his children.

Is this a man you should now trust with your financial information? NO!

You cannot know his true motives, since he’s already proven to be sneaky.

He could be checking whether he can provide less child support, sue for custody, or scam from your finances.

Any of the above could be related to the possibility that he’ll move to where his online girlfriend lives.

OR, of course, this could be his genuine offer to help you and the children.

Don’t bet on it. Not for $200 or more in savings on accounting help. Besides, you can follow the online instructions on how to fill out a tax form yourself.

I’m dating a man with a wonderful soul. He’s had a rough adult life.

During his 15-year marriage, he accepted the woman’s child as his own, and also accepted that the marriage was toxic, emotionally.

He was abused and had to take a restraining order against his ex-wife. She had a mental illness, drug and alcohol problems, financial problems and many more. He goes for counselling.

He takes care of his mom and he’s often there for me; he’s very supportive, caring, kind and sweet. We’ve been together for almost three months.

My question: What are my expectations with him? We aren’t young. We’d like to go away for our first-year anniversary next fall. I cannot see my life without him. My family is fond of him.

– Planning Ahead

You make a good case for wanting assurance that this is a good relationship.

It may well be so, but I still advise that it’s early days, and there’s no need to rush.

The fact that you’re not young means you have the maturity to let this connection grow, and give him time to heal from his troubled past relationship through his counselling.

He has other obligations, perhaps still to his stepchild, and ongoing with his mom. All this adjustment has an emotional impact.

That’s why, though it’s nice to plan a trip away, pushing for it nine months ahead may be pressure he doesn’t need.

The “expectations” you have with him are what you let happen naturally and over time, as he learns more about himself through counselling.

He’ll discover, if he stays with therapy awhile, why he put up with so much pain and abuse for 15 years with his ex-wife.

Only when he’s fully past that period can he give himself wholly to your relationship.

Enjoy what you have in this still-early phase, and let it grow over time.