For a woman, turning 50 brings a sense of loss, but also of wonder

Turning 50 can be either turbulent or smooth sailing. It’s what you make of it.

My 50 th was soon approaching and, much like New Year’s Eve, I was driving myself into a frenzy of anxious anticipation – and dread. Turning 50 for a woman could best be described as going from feeling at once like the “Girl from Ipanema,” impish and carefree, to suddenly the Older Woman from “Ipa No More!; no longer young and lovely, but at the same time not quite an ancient relic, either. It’s a turning point in a woman’s life, and yes, I realize the magnificence of making it to this point relatively unscathed, but at the same time there’s a feeling of tremendous loss. Some of it might be imagined and exaggerated, but much of it is real. The loss of my parents brings to light such a profound new reality for me in that no matter how genuinely I try to see the happiness in things, I find everything now is tinged with a certain bittersweet quality.

Perhaps these sudden swells of emotions had something to do with me agreeing with my husband that a perfect place to usher in my birthday would be aboard a cruise ship sailing toward the Caribbean. This wouldn’t be our first cruise. The last time we sailed the seas was on our honeymoon, where it was hard to tell whether it was us or the natural ebb and flow rocking the boat. But celebrating my big, worrisome birthday at sea would be a first.

I love the ocean and can stare into its vastness for hours. I adore the way problems and thoughts get put into perspective when you realize just how small you seem compared to the immensity of the sea. What I didn’t realize was that I would be struck with an immediate “ah ha moment” the very first night of our cruise, just by looking around me.

There are many different kinds of people on cruise ship: tall, short, large and small girth, different ages, different kinds of families, singles, and couples, people living with various physical challenges — they all find something appealing about cruising. That night at dinner, we went to one of the three dining rooms where there are no set meal times and people can eat whenever they want. My husband and I liked this freestyle form of dining. As we waited in the lounge, I did my usual people-watching and observed a large number of motorized wheelchairs with their incumbents looking full of vigour and excitement. I saw elegant elderly women pushing their walkers with a whimsical scarf tied to one handle. I saw well-dressed elderly gentlemen supported by sturdy canes held with deeply wrinkled hands.

Upon being guided to our table of eight, my husband and I noticed that we were by far the youngest in this sea of silver. Introductions were made almost immediately and we soon deciphered that two of the couples were on board to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversaries and one couple was there to celebrate finally reaching retirement. As we cut into our rolls and spread our butter, another kind of shared activity was taking place. Stories were being swapped about difficulties that were overcome, from health scares and illness to work failures, facing bankruptcies, and other tragic losses, to skydiving at 60 to mark one more item off a bucket list, to finding love again at age 75!

I was wonderstruck at their determination to make lemonade from lemons and to face their challenges full on and with such grace, gratitude and humour. And just then I had my birthday epiphany, and looked at my husband and whispered in his ear, “Thank you.” He said “For what” and I more or less uttered “for being here and steering the helm with me through all these years … and then I said “Damn right I’m having cake tonight; bring it on!

And bring on 50”!