Cherry: Luongo an ‘escape goat’
SEATTLE – CBC’S Don Cherry took to Twitter to describe beleaguered Canucks goalie Roberto Luongo as “the biggest escape goat of all time.” Maybe, but wouldn’t Luongo have to get run out of Vancouver first? Game of Thrones II: Stunt woman Jolene Van Vugt of London, Ont., broke a world land speed record when she clocked 46 mph in Sydney, Australia – on a motorized toilet. Canadians are reportedly so flush with pride they can’t keep a lid on it. Where’s the service? Slugger Albert Pujols, signed to a 10-year, $240 million contract, finished his first month as an Angel with no homers, four RBIS and a .217 batting average. “Although Pujols’s personal-services contract does not kick in until he retires,” wrote Mark Whicker of The Orange County Register, “the club would definitely consider a home run a ‘personal service.’ ” Geritol gang: Blogger Chad Picasner, on the Red Sox’s David Ortiz making like the Yankees’ Derek Jeter and packing a .400 batting average in late April: “Apparently, he’s drinking from the same bottle of Geritol that Jeter is, but I’m pretty sure Big Papi is not going out with Minka Kelly.” Virtual golf: Budd Bailey of the Buffalo News, wondering what’s next after makers of the Madden 13 video game included a virtual Jim Nantz: “Virtual plugs for Masters coverage on CBS?” There’s one born every minute: Poker star Amarillo Slim, who died last Sunday at 83, on playing the game: “Look around the table. If you don’t see a sucker, get up, because you’re the sucker.” Good question: When a professional poker player dies, how do you know he isn’t bluffing? Headline of the week: At Theonion.com: “Phil Jackson enjoying retirement on Montana ranch with egomaniacal livestock who hate each other.” QB plays safety, too: “Did you see who President Obama brought along with him to keep an eye on the Secret Service on his latest trip?” NBC’S Jay Leno asked. “Tim Tebow.” Good Luck: Hold that draftday euphoria for a while, Colts fans. “(The No. 1 pick) is going to immediately energize that fan base, that football team,” extolled ESPN draft magpie Mel Kiper Jr. “Three years from now, you could be looking at a guy that’s certainly one of the elite, top five quarterbacks in this league. Look out because the skill level that he has is certainly John Elway-like.” Kiper lauding Andrew Luck in 2012, right? No, it was Jamarcus Russell in 2007. Old is New Dept.: Oklahoma State QB Brandon Weeden, 28, became the oldest firstround draft pick in NFL history. Now, if the Browns can just find some blockers to keep those young defenders off his lawn.
III’S company: Say this for Robert Griffin III: The rookie is entering the NFL with a humble attitude. “As of Thursday as of 8 (p.m.) and 8:10, me and Andrew (Luck) are two of the worst quarterbacks in the NFL,” Griffin told the Washington Post after the Redskins took him with the second pick. “There’s Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees, Peyton Manning, Eli, I could go on for days – sorry if I didn’t mention you; don’t be mad.” Burning their draft card: “I don’t want to say that the Cleveland Browns are a bad team,” Gary Bachman wrote on Facebook, “but two players they drafted have fled to Canada.” Listen up, kid: Amonghistop 10 pieces of advice for today’s young athletes, from CBS’S David Letterman: “Don’t waste your money on fast cars and fast living – invest in tattoos. Talk to friends, family and clergy about which Kardashian is right for you. Get out now – there’s very little money in sports.” Pacman Jones Jr.: Cornerback Janoris Jenkins, the Titans’ first-round draft pick, has two marijuana arrests, a bar-fight arrest and four children with three women among his credits. Or as NFL talent scouts prefer to call it, a modern-day triple threat. Up in smoke: Brad Dickson of the Omaha (Neb.) WorldHerald, on reports that 40 to 60 per cent of Oregon football players smoke marijuana: “It’s having an effect. Two current players just left school early to make themselves available for the 2007 draft.” No posse here: Golden State Warriors centre Andrew Bogut, to the San Francisco Chronicle, on why he doesn’t have a posse: “What would you do with ’em when you retire? They’d just be looking at you.”