Socially awkward sister adds to stress of wedding
Dear Annie: My fiance and I cut corners for four years so we could have a nice wedding. We didn’t ask either set of parents for money, and they didn’t offer. We’re footing the entire bill, including the formal wear for the attendants.
The problem is my 34-year-old socially awkward sister, “Allie.” Allie was hospitalized 20 years ago when she was brutally beaten by some older teenagers. She never received psychological help. My mother pays Allie’s rent and all of her bills. Family vacations have been cancelled to keep Allie comfortable. My parents missed my college graduation because Allie was nervous about fitting into the airline seat.
If I outperformed her academically, my parents asked me to downplay my success so Allie wouldn’t feel bad. When I got engaged, my mother asked me to skip the engagement party and shower because those things “make Allie anxious.” I lost 190 pounds for health reasons. Allie makes nasty comments, saying I’m only having a wedding to show off my new body.
I bent over backward to find Allie a flattering plus-size maidof-honour dress and was so thrilled when she finally found one she liked that I bought it for her, even though it was twice the cost of my wedding dress. Now she’s decided she hates the dress, and she told the entire bridal party that I’m a Bridezil- la, while I’m stressing myself out to make sure she feels comfortable.
Allie has picked fights with my new in-laws and caused two bridesmaids to back out of the wedding. Last week, my mother called me out for being “domineering” and said I should “consider Allie’s feelings.”
Annie, I have been considering Allie’s feelings since I was 10. My heart breaks for what happened to Allie, but can’t I have just one day where people are thinking about me?
I’ve suggested family counselling, but they refuse to go. How do I make my parents realize that I’m not the bad guy?
Normal Sister
Dear Normal: It is not too late for Allie to get psychological help, and she could surely use it. Your parents are doing her no favours by coddling her into total dependence out of guilt and sympathy. This encourages her to remain a victim of her past. Other than cancelling the entire wedding, you will never please them, so stop bending over backward. Express sympathy and then ignore their demands.