Like The Sopranos, except not as honest

Ialways loved The Sopranos but watching the Charbonneau Commission coverage I finally feel I’m one of them.

As a taxpayer my money’s been funding a Mafia operation that makes Tony Soprano look honest. It has sleazy characters with names like “Mr. GST” and “Mr. 3%” who even Tony couldn’t dream up.

As I read about these guys slipping wads of money down their socks and kissing each other’s cheeks I feel I know them from TV.

Maybe that’s where our Mafia learned their behaviour — from watching The Sopranos, too.

But the similarities run even deeper.

Through a contact at my drycleaning joint I’ve obtained a transcript of a secretly taped meeting some years ago, where gangsters met to divvy up Montreal City contracts.

And I think even Tony would approve. Here’s an excerpt: Sound of sledgehammer pounding on table for order.

CHAIRMAN: Order! Order! OK everyone, sit down — or I’ll shoot you down … heh-heh. … Just kiddin’. I now call dis meeting to order.

We’re here to discuss the awarding of dis month’s city road contracts to us — before the City actually awards us dese contracts.

Dis is da unofficial version that becomes da official one … dat clear? Otherwise I pop you … Just kidding.

ADVISER: OK, Boss, what’s the first agenda on the item?

CHAIRMAN: The First ITEM on the AGENDA — bonehead! — is da new roadwork up in Boisbriand. The chairman now recognizes Vinny “Mr. Pizza” Neapolitano. Hey Vinny — whaddya say? You want the contract?

MR. PIZZA: Yeah boss! Just eyeballing the site I can do it for maybe $15 mill — plus 30% personal fee, plus 30% for you and da Family, plus 4% for Mr. 3%”, plus 3.5% for Mr. 2.5%.

Also 1% for Mr. Metro, one for Mr. Bus Pass and one for Mr. St. Lawrence, may he rest there in peace.

All in, let’s call it an even $35 million. ADVISER: Dat include GST? PIZZA: Nope, I need 1% for Mr. GST too. But that’s a steal — usually it’s 6.5%. Not that I ever pays it, heh-heh.

CHAIR: Sounds copacetic — and don’t forget a nice bottle of wine at Christmas to all our family’s friends at City Hall — and dat’s pretty much everyone there. Anyway I tink dat concludes business here unless there’s any objections? ... Uh, OK ... the chair recognizes Pierre “Meatball” Poutine. Whassup?

POUTINE: Sorry, boss, but no way Mr. Pizza should get this ... he got da St. Laurent Street contract what lasted three years insteada one, he got da viaduct contract before and after it collapsed.

He got the da new highway where we used the special 70% cement – 30% pothole mix.

He’s cleanin’ up — and I’m starvin’ here! Besides, I can do it cheaper den him. Long silence in room. CHAIR: Whazzamatter with you Poutine? We don’t use the “ch-”word in this family. Ever! ... capiche?

POUTINE: Whadisay? … oh! You mean “ch-”, like in cheaper?

CHAIR: Dere! You said it again! Don’t do dat. Or I swear I’ll pop you one.

POUTINE: Holy-moly, I’m sorry boss. I been doing a big reno on my cottage lately and I was thinkin’ like a civilian for a second. Y’know — save money, control costs, yadda yadda.

But I was way out of order on a City job like dis.

To express my apologies, I’m gonna withdraw from biddin’ till the next overpass job — I hear one’s gonna collapse next month.

CHAIR: OK settled. We go with “Mr. Pizza” — but Vinny, just so’s you knows, my cousin Eddie “the pastrami sandwich” is providin’ $500,000 in sewage pipes for dis job. He did me a little favour and I promised him a “taste.”

VOICE: But it’s a highway-pavin’ job, boss – why do we need no sewage pipes?

CHAIR: What kinda question is dat? We ALWAYS need pipes … I can use some for my cottage this summer

OTHER VOICES: “Me too!“… “Me tree!” … “Me five!”

CHAIR: OK — final business. We got gentlemen from da city here who have given us the courteousness of dere presence today … Tanks for coming Mr. 3%.

Man in suit stands silently holding an empty Santa bag.

CHAIR: It’s donation time everyone ... so do your civic duty and support our City Hall staff. No VISA, or MasterCard accepted, cash only —but hockey box seats, yacht trips and free airline tickets to Vegas are all accepted.

So reach deep into your socks, boys.

ADVISER: Last thing boss — I was watching the news and this Turcot Exchange thing is a mess … totally outta control. They say it could cost $3, maybe $6 billion.

CHAIR: Fantastic news! Please send another token of our appreciation to dose city engineers. And now youse guys, whaddya want to go eat? … Steak? French? Or lobster?