Make love, not bore
GET AHEAD IN BED with Josey Vogels’s Better Sex in No Time
Josey Vogels is an expert on sexuality, having explored the topic for more than 20 years as an author and advice columnist.
Her new instruction manual is called Better Sex in No Time: A Guide for Busy Couples, and the former Gazette sex columnist gave Postmedia’s Ben Kaplan 34.5 ways to increase the heat in this January cold. 1. Open your eyes. 2. Hold hands. You wouldn’t run a marathon if you haven’t worn your running shoes in a year, just like you shouldn’t expect great sex if you aren’t keeping the physical somehow in reach. Touch each other — it’s nice.
3. Send a sexy text: “Just thinking about the way your back curves into your bum.” Send warm fuzzies any time of the day — even when you’re apart. 4. Take an extra 30 seconds and put on a little show before taking off your clothes. 5. Basically, put in the effort. People complain they don’t want to work at relationships. How would your boss feel if you felt that way about your job? 6. Change the script. Great sex doesn’t have to involve intercourse. 7. Keep an open mind and never, ever, judge. In a loving relationship, neither partner should have to worry about being laughed out of bed. 8. Develop your sexual vocabulary — talk about sex outside of the bedroom. 9. Remember, if you want something, speak up. Don’t expect your partner to read your mind. 10. Sex is chemistry, so keep that chemistry alive. Heading out to dinner? Give your loved one a few gentle strokes before heading out. Whenever possible, leave them wanting more. 11. Vary the speed. Vary the intensity. Mix it up. 12. Locations, positions, everything — don’t be afraid of change. 13. Bring food to bed that isn’t for eating. Make a chocolate sundae on your partner’s body, then get to work. 14. Play with various sensations. Find anything — silk scarf, a (hopefully clean) feather duster, hair brush — then blindfold your partner, run the items across their body and have them guess what it is. Titillation is key. 15. Blindfolds can be excellent. They remove self-consciousness when you move into more experimental sex play. Why do you think people are more adventurous online? 16. Speaking of the Internet, explore. 17. And don’t take it too seriously. I don’t like the term “foreplay” because it insinuates it’s something that has to happen before the actual deed, but I do like the term “play.” Remember: play. 18. Share some fantasies and indulge. When you play dressup, it gives you the opportunity to experiment. Sometimes it’s nice escaping together from who you both are. 19. And if you want to put your hair up in a bun, put on a pair of glasses and play teacher, instructing him on how he should touch, I think that’s fine. Just be sure to correct him if there’s something a little different he might try. 20. You don’t have to don a full Cat Woman outfit to role play. There are gentle ways to experiment. Remember, holding her hands over your head while you’re making love is bondage. Everything can be dialed up or down. 21. Don’t worry about being perfect and forget about getting it right. Get it on. 22. Go to a sex-toy store together. Even if you don’t buy anything, look around and start the discussion. Explore your curiosity: it doesn’t mean that you have to act. You’re always allowed to say no. 23. Speaking of which, make a list with your partner of your “yes, nos and maybes,” things that you’re curious about, and compare. 24. Certain things are taboo for a reason. Because they’re exciting. Enough said. 25. Even talking about certain fantasies can be exciting without acting on them — read an erotic fantasy out loud. 26. Tantric sex is just about experiencing sexuality on a deeper level. Honestly, it isn’t that hard (pardon the pun). 27. Worry less about the goal and focus more on the journey. The orgasm will come when it does (pardon again). 28. Also, premature ejaculation is a fallacy. There is no correct amount of time to last. 29. And sure, you can tell that to your partner. 30. Libidos do get mismatched and out of sync from time to time, that’s OK. Expect an ebb and flow. 31. Never make your partner feel like there’s something wrong with them. You won’t get anywhere that way. 32. Women like quickies, too. 33. It’s on the upper wall of the vagina, at the top of the pubic bone, right there on the inside wall. 34. It’s out there, and it does exist. 34.5. Yes, you are normal.