Daughter cut dad out of life more than 20 years ago

Dear Annie: My daughter hasn’t spoken to me in 20 years.

Linda’s mother left me for her married lover when our daughter was 6. Instead of taking custody, I felt it best for her mother to raise her, which was a big mistake. My current wife enjoyed a good relationship with Linda. We visited her during her college years and gave her money to spend. But once she finished her degree, we never heard from her again. She didn’t reply to our phone calls, letters or emails.

Linda’s brother informed me that she and her husband have four children we have never met. The oldest must be about 16 and the youngest about 3, but I do not know any of their birthdates. When I tried to find out why she stopped all contact, the only thing she said was, “Whatever the reason that you think it is.”

Linda was trained as a family counsellor. What happened in her training that would lead her to refuse a relationship with her own father? The divorce wasn’t my idea, so why am I left out in the cold? — Father Who Can’t See His Child

Dear Father: This has nothing to do with Linda’s training. More likely, it is some grudge she has been holding onto for years. Since you are in contact with your son and he is in touch with his sister, ask him to act as your intermediary. Have him tell Linda that you are sorry for anything you may have done that has created this estrangement, and you want to know how to reconcile. We hope she is responsive.

Dear Annie: I am only 11, but I want the truth and not the lies most people tell kids.

I have had a best friend, “Janie,” for about four years. I am an only child, and my parents are divorced, so Janie is everything to me. I recently started middle school, and now we only have one class together. Janie became friends with another girl. I don’t think I can compete with this girl because she is really pretty and wears designer clothes.

Anyway, Janie and this girl always hang out together, and it makes me feel really left out. I can’t lose her. She is like the sister I never had. Should I do something? If so, what?

— Lost and Alone

Dear Lost: Here’s the truth, and you may not like it: In middle school, it is not unusual for kids to develop new interests and new friends. Some of them discard their old friends in the process. If Janie is so shallow that she chooses her friends based on their clothes, she’s not much of a true friend, and we think you know that.

It’s OK to tell her you miss the friendship you once had and then see whether she is more attentive. But you are also changing and maturing. As much as you have relied on Janie in the past, it’s time for you to hold your head up and make new friends who are steadfast and appreciate you as you are. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.