Some apt apps for your consideration

Iwas looking for a restaurant in New York recently, so I checked my cellphone’s “Around Me” app and got a list for the area. Then I checked my restaurant review app for a good one and booked a table with my reservation app.

When we got there, the room was dim and the menu print small — so I used my flashlight app. I’ve become an app addict. My smartphone feels like a cross between an old Swiss Army knife and a magic wand. It has apps for star-watching, recipe-finding, print-magnifying, movie-reviewing, music-identifying, language-translating and communicating with dogs (just kidding — for now).

There are over 800,000 different apps available on my phone — yet somehow that’s nowhere near enough. As I become apphappy, I keep thinking of new apps I’d like someone to invent. For instance: Summertime apps: I’m tired of applying bug spray and DEET, then slathering on sunblock 120 and still getting bitten and burnt. I want a Bugzapper-apper, with an ultrasound wave that kills bugs dead, while I don’t feel a thing.

I want a Sunblocker app that electronically blocks deadly UV and UVA rays — and lets you cook safely in the sun. Also a fan app that blows air on you — or converts to A/C.

And will someone please invent a barbecue-starter app that lights my grill, then turns my phone into a mini-barbecue — or microwave grill — where I can heat a cup of coffee.

In summer, terraces are great places to sit unless you end up beside the wrong table — of smokers. Wouldn’t it be great to have a Smoke Stopper app that discretely blows fumes back where they came from?

And who wouldn’t want a Conversation Silencer app when the next table is too noisy, or dull, like a group of U.S. guys I sat beside recently who talked 90 minutes of golf shot talk (“I can’t believe the $#*& moron hit a 40-yard chip shot with a 14-degree fairway 3-wood”).

I’d have loved to have a Cone of Silence app.

Mind you, there are times I’d prefer an Eavesdrapper — to listen in on tables having interesting political chats — just like the U.S. government. Lost-and-Found Apps: OK, so I used to misplace my car a lot until I got a Find-my-car app, which I turn on by GPS whenever I park in an underground garage or unfamiliar neighbourhood.

Now I want a Find-my-keys app, and a Find-the-TV-remote app — and my Find-my-phone app, so I can use it to find my TV remote and keys.

I suspect there’s already a Find-my-dog, Find-my-child and Find-my-spouse app. But how about a Where’s-my-bus-NOW app? Or an iPee app to find the nearest public toilet?

Quebec road signs only warn of construction zone traps once you’re in them and can’t get out. I want a traffic app that warns me before I’m trapped. “Beep. CONSTRUCTION ALERT! Turn right in one block — turn now, BEFORE the “detour” sign in two blocks.”

My old Swiss Army knife had some things I want on my phone, too, like a bottle opener, and a tiny fork that slides from the phone’s bottom and turns into a corkscrew. Not to mention an Unwrap app that slices through CD containers and clamshell plastic cases like butter. Health Apps: Nowadays, everyone seems to have apps that measure miles jogged, calories burned, heartbeats pounded, lungfuls of air breathed and even your number of visits to the bathroom (the Bowel Mover Pro app).

I just want a Nap App that lulls me to sleep with ocean waves, then monitors my brain to see when I fall asleep — and wakes me with an alarm after 10 minutes of REM.

Many new phones come with facial recognition software so it shouldn’t be long before there’s an app that scans a face approaching you at a party, and brings up her name on your screen, along with the names and ages of her kids.

This may help as your memory fades with age and your phone lights up with the message: “Her name is Harriet. She’s your wife.”

There are already countless medical diagnosis apps to help hypochondriacs confuse their stomach ache with a heart attack. But it won’t be long before we have the Virtual Doctor app, since so few Canadians have a real doctor.

If you have a cold, you’ll just press the app:

“Welcome to the Virtual Doctor checkup. Please press your flashlight app, then place the phone in your mouth and say “aaahhhh.”

“Thank you. Now place your phone against your heart and hold 15 seconds.

“Thank you. Analyzing data ... Diagnosis: you have a streptococcal throat infection with tonsillitis. I’ve just prescribed an antibiotic and texted it to your pharmacy, which will deliver in 15 minutes, prepaid on your Visa.

“Let’s conclude the exam. Now please bend over and cough.”