How to include children with autism in the conversation at holiday parties
The holiday season means most of us will be socializing with colleagues and neighbours, friends and family. Chances are good this circle of friendly acquaintances and loved ones will include a child with autism.
Why? An estimated one in 88 children are now diagnosed with the neurological disorder, with prevalence four times more common among boys than girls. Among other challenges, those with autism often have difficulties with social communication (be it verbally, or via a communication device) and that can make casual conversation challenging. But that doesn’t mean they should be left out.
Contrary to popular belief, most kids with autism are not anti-social. Yet, many “neurotypicals” still struggle when it comes to including a child with autism in the conversation. Those that do try often fail, because they don’t know a few essential rules that can help make the interaction possible. Such as: Don’t start the conversa- tion with a question: begin with a statement.
Even a simple question like “What’s your favourite colour?” can be like an exam for some children with autism. If they fail the first question, the conversation is over before it starts.
It’s often not that they don’t know how to answer, but that the answer sometimes gets “trapped” between the thought and the verbal expression of the thought. So start the conversation with a statement instead. They can build on your statement with a statement of their own if they so choose. “I love your shirt” or “cool dinosaurs” are observational statements that invite the child to com- ment in kind. Each statement then functions like a Lego block that you can add to, piece by piece. Wait longer for an answer.
Kids with autism don’t usually need you to speak slowly, but they do need time to form a response of their own. Too often I’ve seen adults wait for a child’s response to a question, and when the response doesn’t come, immediately throw another question out there. If they had simply waited another 20 or so seconds, they might have got response. But now that they’ve thrown a second item out there, the child may get confused and freeze up trying to figure out if they should respond to the first or second query. Each child has their own response time, so it may take a few tries to figure out how long to wait. Don’t take it personally, and try again later.
I know adults who have tried unsuccessfully to engage children with autism and concluded that the child doesn’t like them, or is antisocial generally. Neither is likely to be the case. It may be that the child is imagining something terrific in his or her head — a favourite video game or storyline — and the imagined image is so powerful that the child can’t be pulled out of imagination into your social world.
Or sometimes the environment is simply overwhelming for the child, and is mak- ing them too anxious or overloaded with sensory stimulus to respond. But sometimes, it’s just that they don’t feel like talking.
By all means, try again. But if they still don’t respond, it’s not you, but it’s also not them — it’s just their present mood, and it will pass. Don’t take it personally. And try again later. Bottom line: Don’t ever leave a child with autism out of the conversation. Chances are they want to engage, but they need to do so on their terms, and within their abilities. Make the effort and not only will you make a child happy, it’ll make your day, too.