Fearless predictions for a wild 2014
So
long, 2013, you were a ragged year that saw deposed Montreal mayors, a doped-up Toronto one, Senate scandals and PQ charter wars — not to mention an early arctic winter that’s dumped us in the deep freeze.
Will 2014 be better? I’ve just bought a new solar-powered, Omega-6 enhanced, glutenfree crystal ball that’s guaranteed to be 80 per cent right, 50 per cent of the time, in any temperature above minus-20 (including wind chill). So you can trust me when I say:
Rob Ford’s global rep will continue to swell in 2014 as he appears on Oprah, guest hosts Saturday Night Live and stars in an outrageous U.S. reality show called “The Ford Factor” that just follows him around on a “normal” day.
Meanwhile, scandalous videos will surface of Justin Trudeau smoking pot at a party — but he will brush off reporters by saying: “Just watch me.”
In the tech world, Apple will turn out a new phone called the iFriend that writes its owner intimate emails, exchanges artsy photos and even chats with you about love and life — like you used to do when you had real “friends.”
A California man will fall in love with his phone, then marry it. Millions will follow, since they already spend more time with their phones than with their partners. Women will favour older, more sophisticated iSpouses they keep around for years, but many men will choose flashy, cheaper ones they can always trade in for a brand new model.
Our photo-surveillance world will expand with ever more bank-cams, grocerycams, street-cams, Googlecams, police-cams and dronecams watching us — not to mention 8 billion people shooting each other 24/7 so we’re all photographed thousands of times a day.
As photo fatigue finally sets in, there will be a growing backlash against having your picture taken. Birthdays, weddings and other important milestones will start to ban cameras at the door, so private moments aren’t captured for the whole world to see
he most memorable events will become those rare, precious ones you have to remember because you don’t have pictures of them.
Rob Ford will launch the new “Rob’s All-Fat, NoFitness Crackers’ Guide to Health,” featuring the mayor on the cover speeding down a crowded bike path in a big Ford Explorer. It will be an instant global bestseller — and Hollywood will follow with a blockbuster film about him called “Apocalypse Ford.”
Mayor Denis Coderre will become wildly popular by turning into a 21st-century Jean Drapeau, with outlandish schemes and dreams for the city.
When the Champlain Bridge closes for a decade of reconstruction he’ll announce plans to build fleets of 100-person gondolas that carry thousands of people across the St. Lawrence River, like they do across the Alps.
He will create a winter Skixi system based on Bixi — and lobby Ottawa for money to build a giant underground Montreal Expo baseball stadium that’s usable all year.
He will bid for the 2026 Olympics and win — by promising a spectacular closing Games ceremony that culminates with blowing up our Olympic Stadium for the whole world to see.
Ottawa will have yet another Senate scandal as the committee studying senators’ expenses gets into hot water over its own expenses. The Senate will appoint a new committee tasked with “investigating the Senate committee investigation into the investigation into Senate expenses.”
Republicans will win the next U.S. election and immediately replace universal health care with universal gun care, promising government-subsidized ammo to all seniors, homeowners and college students. Barack Obama will go into private business running a highly successful new medical insurance company, called Obamacare.
Self-driving cars are now legal in some U.S. states and it won’t be long before one passes you. It may scare you to see no driver, but gradually you’ll realize how great that is, because there’s no idiot behind the wheel texting, drinking latte and punching in GPS instructions — like you.
As these cars become popular, we’ll see self-driving bikes, self-flying planes and self-driving baby carriages.
Robots will become commonplace everywhere, as they take over cashier-less supermarkets, waiter-less restaurants and masseusefree massage parlours. It won’t be long before we invent the ultimate generation of robots that not only serve customers, but entirely replace them.
Rob Ford will shock again by announcing he’s running for prime minister. Astonishingly, polls will show Ford Nation is sweeping rural Canada, making him the leading contender.
However, shocking new revelations will reveal Ford is secretly mayor of a small city in Australia, as well as ones in England and elsewhere — a city-swapping mayor who is wanted in three countries.
He will be arrested on charges of bigamayoralty.
Finally, there’s one prediction I’m absolutely sure of: This winter will definitely get warmer because it can’t possibly get colder.