Unusual ideas to update the upper chamber

After decades of debating a Triple-E Senate (elected, effective, exasperating), I’d like to propose a Triple-U Senate, maybe even a quadruple or quintuple one.

In fact, Justin Trudeau has just taken the first bold step in my plan by throwing his Liberal senators out of his party’s caucus and making them: UNAFFILIATED: Liberal senators no longer have their usual pressing party responsibilities — like lobbying, soliciting cash and giving fundraising speeches for the Liberal party. They don’t even have to vote with the Liberals anymore, but can act with their conscience instead.

This is a terrific start, but what other “U”s would I add to make our Senate more worthwhile? Let’s start with: UNAPPOINTED: Our current Senate is largely a patronage pad to pay off aging party hacks, flacks, bagmen, cronies, buddies and Duffys who get paid lavishly for it. Under my Senate plan, you’d be chosen for what you can do for the people, not what the people can do for you.

But who’d do the choosing, if they weren’t appointed by the PM? Some argue senators should be elected like MPs, others want them selected by impartial experts like the Order of Canada. But I think senators should be chosen the way most modern contest winners are today — in a reality show — called So U Wanna Be A Senator?

Contestants, er … senators would be tested on traditional political survivor skills — like the ability to remember 10,000 names, shake 100,000 hands and play 270,000 rounds of golf. But they’d also be grilled on their understanding of real Canadians, by answering questions like:

1) What’s the difference between wind chill, Gore-Tex and the polar vortex?

2) What’s the price of a six-pack of beer, plus three boxes of Kraft Dinner — and a large Canada Dry?

3) What is icing: a) a cake mix, b) a treatment for injuries, c) an immutable law of hockey?

In addition, our nominees would have to exhibit another important new “U.” They’d be: UNPAID: This may seem naïve, but it’s exactly how almost all non-profit board members in this country work — tens of thousands of greying, talented volunteers who donate their time to charitable boards, hospital boards, cultural boards and other boring boards simply because they want to help.

Why should our senators be different? They’re not working for a business that makes money; they’re working for a non-profit enterprise called Canada.

Like these other board members, our “Triple-U” senators would volunteer their time because they want to. They wouldn’t expect fat pensions, first-class airline seats or hefty expense allowances they can finagle into six figures. They’d just expect to receive their old-age pensions, like their fellow Canadians.

But our senators would be perfectly happy with this because they’d have another important new “U”: UNSELFISHNESS: Like other Canadian board members, our senators would be proud to travel Canada as cheaply as possible — and even pay part of their own way — to help save money for where it’s really needed.

They’d fly economy, using Expedia, or Cheapflights.com, then use a car-sharing plan and stay at Motel 7. Every third night they’d sleep in the homes of regular Canadians who’d volunteered to “Hosta-Senator” — so our politicians could see how real Canadians lived and understand their concerns.

During long day’s meetings, just like other non-profit boards our senators would order in Chinese food or pizza for lunch — and contribute $10 each to offset the cost. During fund-raisers, just like board members everywhere they’d be encouraged to donate money to the people they serve — instead of collecting money from them — taking the pay out of pay-tronage.

Sure, there’d still be small Senate perks — like free public transit passes in every city in Canada and free parking on Parliament Hill for their bicycles. During long night debates, senators would be treated to the usual non-profit board dinner — free party sandwiches.

But who’d want to be a senator in circumstances like this, you ask? Easy: thousands of accomplished, talented Canadians near, or at retirement would jump at the chance to serve as a senator for free — thrilled to use their life skills to help Canada have better government.

There’d be former judges, MPs (Stéphane Dion?), authors (Margaret Atwood?), scientists (Chris Hadfield?) and hockey players (any Ottawa Senator?). There’d be wise, compassionate people who were in it not for their party, or personal gain, or even their region — but just to help Canadian Parliament get an impartial, second sober thought before passing legislation.

These people would know it was a privilege to be a senator — as well as stimulating and exciting to be part of such an eclectic, respected group. Frankly, if we could have an unaffiliated, unappointed, unpaid, unselfish and unarrogant upper chamber, I’d actually believe a Canadian Senate was worth having.

In fact, I’d love to have a House of Commons like that too.