Looking at porn isn’t cheating, but it upsets wife

Dear Annie: My wife and I have been happily married for eight years. This is a third marriage for both of us. A few months back, my wife found that I had been visiting Internet porn sites. She became very upset and said this was the same as having sex outside of marriage.

This is something I’m not proud of and resolved not to do it again. Well, in a moment of weakness, I typed in “nude beach.” She says this is the same as a porn site. I feel it isn’t, because it is a public beach.

Seeing how much pain I caused my wife, I won’t go to that site again. However, is this the same as adultery?

— No Cheater Dear Annie: My husband is a control freak in a way that I do not understand. For example, he takes me shopping to purchase expensive jewelry I do not want.

Recently, my dad moved close by. I told my husband I was going to visit Dad, and he became angry, saying we don’t have the money to visit relatives. He said he would cancel the gas credit cards if I went. How should I deal Dear No Cheater: Deliberately searching out “nude beach” is a way to look for naked bodies without using the word “porn,” but the effect is similar. And while looking at naked bodies is not the same as adultery, it is still a betrayal if it hurts your wife and you have broken your promise to stop. If you are interacting in real time with real women online, we would consider that a form of cheating. If you cannot stay away from porn, you may have an addiction that requires treatment. with this idiocy?

— Confused in Connecticut Dear Confused: If this is recent behaviour, please ask your husband to get a complete physical from his doctor. Sometimes there is a physical or neurological reason for a bizarre change in behaviour. Otherwise, consider that your husband may be trying to isolate you, the mark of a potential abuser, and using the jewelry to assuage your concerns. Dear Annie: I take issue with your response to “Tired of Rude Family in Carolina,” whose inconsiderate sister and niece refuse to inform the hostess when they are bringing an additional guest (usually the niece’s boyfriend) to dinner.

The uninvited boyfriend is probably unaware of these dynamics. Why not seat him where the inconsiderate sister would have been, next to the niece, and put the sister on the piano bench with a paper plate? After a few times of putting the sister in the hot seat, she just might get it.

—JM in Tennessee Dear J.M.: We think if the boyfriend is always being shoved into an extra chair, he is aware of the difficulty his presence causes. However, you are right that the sister should take the hit. Email questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. Visit www.creators.com to find out more about Annie’s Mailbox