What spouses who are separating owe their children

While couches and boxes full of items once adorning the family residence are carted away into moving trucks, also beginning a more lasting journey are the children of newly separated spouses, who must now accustom themselves to travelling between two homes and, more important, between their own sense of allegiance to one parent or the other.

Spouses must understandably see to it that their financial assets and liabilities are divided appropriately, as a new life begins without the economies of scale and the implied business partnership that running a family entails.

However, quarrelling over money must not be at the expense of the children, their most fragile and valuable investment. Assets may be apportioned in different ways, but nothing is more prized than the child’s own sense of well being and belonging during the trying ordeal that is the breakup of the family.

There are two key sources of antagonism.

One: Separating parents will no longer have complete access to their children, a painful reality for all.

Two: Children will reflexively come to the aid of a wounded parent.

Separations leave bruised kids in their wake. Lifealtering decisions are made, sometimes unilaterally, and almost always without the children’s vocal involvement.

The separation plunges the children into a state of grieving over the family unit that is lost to them forever. This is exacerbated by the fact that in their own grieving, children are often prone to defend the overtly “sadder” parent.

Feuding parents must navigate through the intricacies of the separation sensitively, because mistakes can make for a devastating swivel, especially when teenagers are involved.

It is not unusual for a parent to have a destructive attitude during the separation. If teenagers come to view this behaviour as incompatible with their own coping mechanisms, they can turn their backs on the “culpable” parent and sever ties.

The problem for the exiled parent is severe, because the judicial mechanisms to force a relationship between a teenager and parent are feeble. Judges will almost never impose access rights between a reluctant teenager and a yearning parent even if the judge deems the child’s desires to be capricious.

In Quebec, in matters of child custody, the courts will begin to take the wishes of a reasonably mature 12-yearold into consideration. By the time the child reaches the age of 14, the judge usually endorses these wishes, so long as they are not severely harmful to the child, such as in cases of abuse.

In the rare scenarios where a judge would impose access rights, a new danger emerges: A victory in court may come at a huge cost in life. The insisting parent may be causing more damage by attempting to force a relationship on an unwilling child.

Testifying in a courtroom is a hurtful and unwelcoming exercise for both child and parent. Pragmatically speaking, court delays are often so excessive that quiet diplomacy can achieve the desired results more quickly than litigation.

What may be even more maddening is that despite a win in court, there is very little the parent can do if the teenager is still unwilling. Everyone loses: money lost in legal fees, children compelled to think that no one is paying attention to their feelings, and a disheartened parent further alienated from the child and from a sense of justice. Even if access is granted, is a parent actually going to going to call the police to enforce the ruling?

During the separation, clear boundaries have to be established by both parents, who have to join forces in what will be their last and most enduring collaborations.

Don’t say too much, but say something. And most of all, reiterate your unconditional support to your children throughout the process.

The child’s lost sense of security will slowly be replaced by a renewed confidence that both parents are emotionally available and able to legitimize one another, thus reinforcing the concept that mom and dad are still here.

Weave through a separation with a sense of integrity. You don’t have to love your exspouse, but loving your child necessarily involves respecting your child’s other parent.