Don’t use wife’s affair as an excuse to cheat

Dear Annie: My wife and I are in our early 40s and have been married for six years. Two years after we married, I discovered that “Becky” was having an affair with a coworker. They both lost their jobs over it.

We tried marriage counselling, and it seemed to help. From what I could get out of Becky, they were intimate only once. But I’ve never felt that the whole truth came out. It was the Other Man’s girlfriend, “Jenny,” who discovered the affair. I recently decided to contact Jenny to see whether she could supply the missing pieces.

We agreed to meet over coffee, and I found out that she and the Other Man broke up. Jenny informed me that, contrary to what Becky told me, the affair lasted another 18 months after we discovered what was going on.

But, Annie, here’s the new problem: After meeting several times, Jenny and I have developed feelings for each other and find ourselves in a situation similar to that of my wife and her ex- boyfriend.

I know that two wrongs don’t make a right. I also believe that a marriage can be saved after an affair. But Becky’s lies are always in the back of my head, and now I don’t know what to do. — Need Help in Jersey

Dear Jersey: You have found a kindred spirit in Jenny because you have been through a shared experience. You also still harbour resentment toward Becky, and whether or not you recognize it, this is a convenient way to get even. Do you want to save your marriage? If so, stop seeing Jenny, get back into counselling with Becky, tell her you know the affair was more serious than she admitted, and ask her to come clean so you can truly work through this. If she refuses, or if you are still convinced she is lying, you might be better off apart. But don’t use Jenny as an excuse to get there.

Dear Annie: I have a comment for “Also Lonely in Chesapeake, Va.,” the 29- year- old virgin who hasn’t found the right guy: Stop advertising that you are a virgin. You may be attracting the wrong kind of men.

When I was in the dating game, a friend remarked that I seemed to have a checklist of things I wanted in a partner. So I stopped looking for a potential mate and started having fun with potential friends. In the process, I met a guy who enjoyed some of the same things I did. It allowed us to get to know each other. We now have been married for 15 years. And guess what? He was a virgin. It was so refreshing not to have to worry about whom he’d been with before and whether he had any STDs. — No Longer Lonely in Pennsylvania