Husband’s side of the family unseen during son’s fatal illness
Dear Annie: Our only child passed away last year after a long battle with cancer. He was in his early 20s, and we were grateful that my family and many of his college friends were by his side throughout.
The problem is my husband’s side of the family. With the exception of his 88-year-old mother, who lives far away and phoned regularly, the rest of his family did nothing. My husband’s sister and brother and their children visited once early on, and that was it. My husband’s sister came to our house for a few hours, and my brother-in-law shocked us by telling story after story of people he knew who had cancer and suffered horribly.
This sister lives within an hour of the hospital. They were part of an email chain that I used to keep family and friends updated on our son’s condition. As he worsened, we sent word that they were welcome to come to the ICU, but not once did any of his paternal aunts, uncles or cousins call to see how he was holding up.
They showed up at the funeral and barely spoke to us, except for my brother-in-law, who told us he’d heard rock salt could cure cancer.
I am now done with that side of the family. But I feel sorry for my husband, who won’t get so much as a call or text on our son’s birthday or the anniversary of his passing. He has told me he wishes his family could be as supportive as mine. Tell me, Annie, how can relatives be so uncaring? — Sad Wife
Dear Sad: Please know how sorry we are for your heartbreaking loss. The death of a child is one of the hardest things to bear. We cannot explain why these relatives seem so disinterested, but perhaps they are awkward and uncomfortable in such situations, so they avoid them. They don’t realize that their presence alone can be comforting.
You could phone them and suggest they call your husband on these occasions to say they are thinking of him, but there are no guarantees that they will do so. We are glad he has your family to fill the gap. Dear Annie: We have given each of our adult children money toward their weddings. One child has divorced and is now engaged to be married again, although it’s a first marriage for her fiancé. Do we contribute any money toward this second wedding? We don’t want to be unfair. — Pondering
Dear Pondering: We think the cost of a second wedding belongs to the couple. Tell your daughter you are happy for her, but you will not help finance the event. Do, however, give the newlyweds a lovely wedding gift.