INDIE BAND ADVENTURE
Canada from the ground up
Turns out that the mountain of a man who is known mainly as Gern f. has a last name: Vlchek. This is but one of the many revelations in Turn Right, Turn Left, Repeat, his comprehensive and witty compendium about life on the road for a Canadian indie band.
The band in question is Gern f.’s now-defunct United Steelworkers of Montreal, the dynamite bluegrass ensemble, which hit just about every honky-tonk from St. John’s to Victoria over its decade-long existence. The book should serve as an excellent resource guide not only for indie bands on budgets but also for adventurous travellers on the lookout for where one can eat, party, sleep and excrete throughout our vast dominion. And, by extension, where one might consider avoiding the aforementioned.
Gern f. calls it “a worm’s-eye view” of the country. And by worm’s eye, he means no disrespect. He simply means taking in the country from the ground up — and not from the penthouse down — for those with more limited resources.
Gotta love Gern f. And most do. Even in this city of characters, he stands out.
Though he could pass as a steelworker and has spent much of his younger years doing chores requiring equal stamina and strength, don’t let his imposing presence unnerve you — unless you plan to duck out on your bar bill. That’s because when not singing the blues, Gern f. is slinging brews behind the bar at Grumpy’s, where he also serves as a cultural animator extraordinaire.
More than a decade back at the Bishop St. pub, Gern f. instituted the ever-popular Moonshine on Thursday soiree, wherein one could catch Gern f. — “I’m more of a thumper than a finesse guitar-picker” — and buddies like Lonesome Larry Whitaker, on guitar, and Terry Joe Banjo, as proficient on mandolin as banjo, take to the stage with like-minded fanciers of bluegrass.
Gern f. has also made it his mission to make old-time country music a mainstay in Montreal — no small task. He joins the ranks of such C&W crusaders as Bob Fuller, who began Monday Hillbilly nights (now at the Wheel Club) in 1966, as well as Matt Large and Mark Peetsma, the masterminds behind the Sunday Bluegrass Jam at Barfly. As is the case for the latter shows and in the spirit of Hank Williams, drums and amps are verboten at Moonshine on Thursday.
And though he may be one of the last hombres you might expect to champion the cause of this city’s coterie of women singers and guitar pickers, Gern f. was also the driving force behind Chick Pickin’ Mondays at Grumpy’s. Plus, he takes charge of Sunday Trivia nights at the bar.
And he hopes to bring back another of his wild evenings — now on sabbatical — the Bitch About Your Boss Contest, wherein participants recount their horror stories on the job. The audience decides upon the winner, who receives an Irish Car Bomb — the cocktail, that is.
After a long night of bartending, Gern f. is back at Grumpy’s, thumping and crooning — in his inimitable and fetching gravellyvoiced fashion — the tune Small Town Banks. Also a subject with which he’s become most familiar while touring the land.
“There’s always places you end up stopping in the country while on tour — even though you probably don’t want to be in many of those places,” reflects Gern f., 49. “But it’s where you stop when everyone has to pee or is hungry.
“So you end up in a town like Brandon, Manitoba. Or Ignace, Ontario, which doesn’t have the greatest of truck stops. But
I’ve eaten at it about a dozen times. And even though it’s not great, it becomes like home for a spell. It becomes a friendly spot on a road not filled with that many friendly things. Unlikely alliances are made with diner menus.”
Like Johnny Cash, Hank Snow and Stompin’ Tom Connors, Gern f. has been everywhere — man. He’s been to Moonbeam, Ont., Carleton-sur-mer, Que., and — really — Dildo, N.L. He figures the United Steelworkers of Montreal went across Canada six or seven times.
“What I’ve learned about the country is that it is really divided up in five regions,” he says. “And one end of Canada doesn’t understand what the other end is doing. It’s not really a bad thing. It’s simply that we don’t really know that much about each other.
“But the funny thing about Canada is that we’re not as sweet as the world might think. We’re a lot more fun than we are given credit to be.”
Though born in Akron, Ohio, he moved to Cobourg, Ont., as a child and later to Toronto, then back to Cobourg, before settling in Montreal more than 20 years ago. “Montreal is the only place I’ve actually moved to on purpose, and I’m not leaving. I love the French nature of the city. There is so much going on here culturally.”
With the United Steelworkers of Montreal now history, he plays on occasion with a new group he formed, Gern f. and the Left Wingers, with Jimmyriggers’ stalwarts David Pearce and André Kirchhoff and Ram Krishnan, former Jimmyriggers member and current Grumpy’s bartender/manager. He’s also started rehearsing with another
bunch of cronies in a band to be called The Vlcheks.
“Yes, I’ve finally come to embrace my last name,” he cracks. “For years, no one could pronounce it, much less spell it.”
Now the task of pronouncing and spelling the name goes to 4-year-old Clara Vlchek, the offspring of Gern f. and his longtime mate Rachel Hoffman.
“Clara has changed my life,” says Gern f., who dutifully picks up his daughter from school every day. “Sure, she makes me feel old but she makes me feel so fulfilled and warm inside. …”
Gern f. is planning another excursion into the world of publishing: the history of Montreal — as viewed by his bar clients in various states of consciousness.
“My interest in history is based more on what people perceive as having happened as opposed to what actually happened. And how people have reacted to what they think happened and how their lives changed as a result,” he explains.
“It certainly makes for a more colourful story.”
But the funny thing about Canada is that we’re not as sweet as the world might think. We’re a lot more fun than we are given credit to be. GERN F. VLCHEK