Accept stingy, aging mother as she is
Dear Annie: My husband and I are successful professionals with no children. Our mothers are both well off and have been generous to our siblings, who, for various reasons, have needed a lot of help. My husband and I tender free professional and some financial assistance to both sides of our families.
My mother-in-law takes opportunities to show her appreciation by paying for meals or offering to reimburse costs. She is a delight, and we see her often. My mother, however, is the opposite — always a guest, never offering to reimburse costs or pay a share. She has even invited us and others to events and then stuck us with the bill. I am ashamed of her stinginess. Subconsciously, we do not seek out my mother, and our visits are becoming rare.
Both mothers are up in years, and I do not expect any changes. — Anonymous
Dear Anonymous: Our only suggestion is to accept your mother as she is. In some families, it would be unthinkable for a senior parent to reimburse financially successful children. Your mother may not realize that these are your expectations, so it doesn’t occur to her that you would be anything less than generous. You don’t have to admire this part of her character, but she is still your mother, and she isn’t getting any younger. Please make a conscious effort to be with her when all you are spending is your time. You’ll be less resentful, and in years to come, you’ll be glad you had these moments together.
Dear Annie: I have read the letters in your column about mothers-in-law and would like to add my two cents about boundaries.
My MIL liked me while her son and I were dating. When we became engaged, she wanted control. She made changes to our wedding plans right up to the ceremony, even though my folks were paying for it. When I was pregnant, she grabbed my arm and hissed, “I will NOT be a grandma!” At the baby shower, she informed the whole family that if it was a girl, it isn’t her grandchild, because her boys don’t make girls. I laughed. She was serious.
We had a beautiful girl who looks just like my husband. Over the years, I tried to be kind, but when she started taking her hatefulness out on our children, we set up big boundaries. Our children have grown up barely knowing this set of grandparents, but have been fortunate to have others be role models.
— Lisa
Dear Lisa: We don’t know what motivates some parents to require so much control that they push their children away. Nor can they understand how to undo the damage their behaviour is causing.