COMIC BOOK FLICK FAILS TO THRILL FANTASTICALLY
Fantastic Four reboot manages to be even less watchable than predecessor
FANTASTIC FOUR Rating: 1/2 star
Starring: Miles Teller, Kate Mara, Michael B. Jordan, Jamie Bell Directed by: Josh Trank
Running time: 100 minutes
No one in Fantastic Four ever says the phrase “fantastic four.” Even the early posters for the movie concentrated on the number rather than the adjective. The reason? Truth in advertising.
There are indeed four main characters who develop superpowers. Or as one of the four insists on calling them, “aggressively abnormal physical conditions.” Sounds like something your doctor would tell you, followed by: “Do you have a will?”
And speaking of medical metaphors, here’s one for the experience of watching Fantastic Four. It’s 20 hours of labour without even the joy of a newborn at the end; just the promise of a sequel, which in this case feels more like a threat.
The opening scenes take place in 2007, the same time the last Fantastic Four iteration was wrapping up its own lacklustre sequel. Fifth-graders Reed Richards and Ben Grimm, are in the garage, building a “cymatic matter shuttle.”
That’s a teleporter for screenwriters who aren’t getting paid by the word.
Seven years later, Reed (now played by Miles Teller), and Ben (Jamie Bell), are showing off their gizmo at the high-school science fair, where it somehow attracts the attention of genius millionaire philanthropist Franklin Storm (Reg E. Cathey). Does the guy regularly troll secondaryschool gyms for science prodigies? Because that seems just a bit creepy.
Anyway, Reed gets taken under Franklin’s wing, while Ben disappears into the background until the plot needs him again. (This kind of character call-waiting happens a lot in Fantastic Four.) Together with Franklin’s biological son Johnny (Michael B. Jordan), adopted daughter Sue (Kate Mara), and Victor Von Doom (Toby Kebbell), who really should have been adopted if only to lose that last name, they build an even bigger model to transport people into another dimension.
The first test involves sending a non-human primate, which had me stoked for a Planet of the Apes scenario. No joy; the chimp comes back unharmed, and Reed and the rest decide, in a moment of drunken revelry, to take the next trip themselves and not let some Neil Armstrong type hog all the glory. (Say what you will about Armstrong; he would never have said a line like: “This one’s going on Instagram!”)
Of course, things go wrong in the fifth dimension. (And to be fair, nothing has gone right in the fifth dimension since Age of Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In.) Victor goes missing and is presumed dead — thanks, Mr. Von Doom, we’ll call you when we need you — while the rest return to Earth and start exhibiting fantastic aggressively abnormal physical conditions.
Remember 2005’s Fantastic Four, where The Thing gets dumped by his wife and then saves a guy from jumping off a bridge? Human Torch versus. missile? Reed’s and Sue’s amazement at finding themselves stretchy and invisible? Well you can forget all that. In this one, we cut to a year later, with one of the four in hiding and two under military lockdown. Even The Thing’s exploits are shown only on video screens; it’s as if director Josh Trank, ran out of money and decided to just show us the previsualization rather than the finished special effects.
As a result, Fantastic Four is quite possibly the least actionfilled action movie in Marvel history. Heavy on reportage, light on repartee, this is a film that devotes time to showing the team building yet another teleporter — this time with cup holders I think — to retrieve Victor, who somehow got a PhD in the other dimension and now styles himself Dr. Doom. He’s also got a glow, though I wouldn’t call it healthy.
Meanwhile, it’s hard to tell whether to fault the writers or the cast for the dreary plot. Teller has to shoulder some of the blame. He was so good as a bullied drummer in Whiplash, but as a leading man, he’s definitely dragging here. If you like superhero movies, you may find this one is not quite your tempo.
I was going to give Fantastic Four a single star until I realized that I’d already set that bar with my review of the 2005 version, which is looking quite watchable in comparison. And therein lies a ray of hope. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. And again if necessary. I hear the fourth time’s the charm.