YES, BISEXUALITY IS A REAL THING
Coming out as bisexual is its own beast.
The first challenge is that a lot of people don’t think bisexuality is a real thing. They think it’s a made up notion, like unicorns or bilingualism in Canada.
Another challenge is when people view bisexuality as — in the timeless words of Carrie Bradshaw — “a layover on the way to Gay Town.” Reactions are a mix of, “Why would you be gay if you don’t have to be?” and “But you’d still date a man, right?” and, more generally, “WHYYYYY?”
I personally took the opportunity to pin the whole thing on J Date. My parents had always said, “C’mon what do you have to lose?” And I finally had an answer: my heterosexuality. “Oh, hello, Moishe, investment banking is fascinating … right, it’s probably good you don’t eat shellfish, I’m not sure you could crack a lobster with those lady hands.”
The third thing is that bisexuality is pretty unpopular. I think part of the reason is that it makes it seem like gay can be a choice. Li ke a Mounds c ommercial: sometimes you feel like a nut … sometimes you don’t. And it is! In the sense that you were born somewhere in the middle of the sexual spectrum and so you can be attracted to both sexes.
That said, no one can really choose who they fall in love with. Something else I reminded my divorced parents of when I came out to them years ago. My other strategy was, at least with my mother, to break the news in a public place. We went out to a nice dinner and I waited for dessert before announcing the big news. She laughed. I have this laugh, too. It’s an uncontrollable nervous laugh that we get when tragedy strikes. Normally it’s a curse, but in this case it looked like we were having a grand ole time! In the following days the laughs subsided and, with both of my parents, it took some time but they eventually accepted it.
I also haven’t been on a blind Jewish date since. So what is my story? Let’s rewind. As a kid, I used to sleep with two bears. A girl bear named Betty Cuddles and a guy bear named Cinnamon Buns. I don’t know if that meant anything, but in retrospect it seems a little bi.
All right, let’s maybe not rewind so far back.
One thing you should know about me is that I’m a very obsessive person. When I do something I really go two feet in. As a teenager, I dedicated a solid year to Days of our Lives. Specifically to the character of Jack Deveraux played by Matthew Ashford.
Did I send him fan mail? Buy every magazine he was in, like a normal fan? No, of course not. Our relationship was deeper and more mature than that. I sent him a diary filled with things I said were important to me and would help him understand me … like French poems I didn’t understand and the lyrics to 18 and Life by Skid Row.
Other crushes I had: Mel Gibson, David Hasselhoff ( circa Knight Rider) and Kirk Cameron. What a list! The only lady crush I had was Gillian Anderson, who I recently learned is bisexual because teenage dreams really do come true, but only once they don’t matter anymore because you’re in a committed relationship.
And that was it as far as lady crushes went. Right up until I became obsessed with the L Word when I was 28 and decided to have a lesbian experience that naturally, as things go with lesbians, turned into a long- term relationship.
For those of you that don’t know, the L Word was a very hot lesbian soap opera where these super attractive women would constantly pull each other into bathroom stalls to make out. They made it look easy and very sexy and I decided I wanted to try it, but how? I’d been going to the bathroom with girls my whole life … AND NOTHING!
I became obsessed with the L Word when I was living in Ottawa. I was a low- ranking lawyer in the Department of Justice where a“5 à 7” meant half a cup of wine and three Pringles chips by the filing cabinet between 4: 45 and 5 p. m. By 5, most people had rushed off to ultimate Frisbee. It was a heady time. I got myself a membership to Blockbuster, where I discovered The L Word. I started skipping the “4: 45 à cinq” parties so I could rush home, close the blinds and retreat into my secret lesbian lair.
Look, I don’t want to suggest the L Word made me gay. That would be crazy. Clearly, it was the government.
Today, I’m married to a woman. I blame Orange is the New Black. And Stephen Harper. Stephen Harper makes a lot of ladies gay.