How a two-week stay became a 10-year visit
Dear Annie: My 31-year-old daughter, her boyfriend and my 13-year-old granddaughter have lived with my husband and me for the past 10 years. I never thought they would stay this long.
My daughter, “Tina,” asked whether her boyfriend could live with us for two weeks until his car was fixed after a hitand-run accident. We said OK. Big mistake. When the car was repaired, we heard all kinds of excuses why he couldn’t leave. We didn’t make a big effort to push him out because he was polite and he loved Tina and her child (by someone else).
Everything worked well until Tina started to pick on me. Slowly our relationship began to erode. Tina doesn’t have a job, so she stays at home to care for her child. I have leukemia and cannot work. So we are both at home all day.
I think Tina is jealous of my relationship with my granddaughter, so she put some distance between us. They have succeeded in turning my granddaughter against me. Now my patience is gone, and I feel like a stranger in my home. My husband tells me to give her time and she’ll come around. This doesn’t seem likely.
The boyfriend doesn’t make enough money to support them in a place of their own, and Tina refuses to look for a job. I’m seeing a therapist, but it seems like a bandage for my problem at my home. Do you have any suggestions?
Can’t See the Forest for the Trees
Dear Forest: We are reluctant to interfere when you are already receiving therapy. We can tell you, however, that it is often difficult to have grown children living with you when there are no clear-cut boundaries and rules in place. It fosters resentment and misunderstandings. Please discuss with your therapist whether a heart-to-heart with your daughter and her boyfriend would be beneficial, or whether your daughter might attend a session with you.
Dear Annie: I totally disagree with your advice to “Big Sister,” whose younger sister hijacked her plans for a family reunion. Why does the person who is wronged have to be nice to an inconsiderate relative? I have done this all my life to keep the peace in the family.
The first time I defended myself, they got angry and stopped talking to me. Well, too bad for them. Life is too short not to be happy. If I am always giving in to them, then I don’t feel good about myself. At age 54, I can live without them.
Happier Without Them in My Life
Dear Happier: Our advice is geared to help those who wish to maintain a relationship with their family members. Those who prefer not to don’t need our suggestions on how to cut people out of their lives. They already know how, as you did.