Getting over the anger

Dear Annie: I am writing to get your input on an issue I am unable to resolve or forget.

Over 50 years ago, I began a friendship with a co-worker and his family that was close and personal. Despite job changes and relocations, we communicated regularly over the years.

Two years ago, he was diagnosed with cancer, which seemed to strengthen our friendship even more. After surgery and treatment, he called one day to say that his cancer was in total remission. However, his news came just as my nephew and niece were both diagnosed with cancerous brain tumours. Consequently, I became much more occupied with their rapidly deteriorating situations.

After three or four months of not talking to my friend, I called to see how his battle with cancer was progressing. His wife, who I thought was also my good friend, answered the phone. After a brief conversation, I asked to speak with my friend. She then informed me, in a somewhat surprised voice, that he had died 2 ½ months earlier. I was so absolutely shocked. I later learned that she had notified many of our mutual friends, many of whom had attended his funeral.

Since that conversation, I have been angry and resentful of her, wanting badly to let her know how I feel. Should I? If not, how do I forget her and this incident? Persistent Anger

Dear Persistent: I am so sorry for your loss. I could feel your heartache as I read this letter. Don’t confront your friend’s widow. She was (and still is) in a deep state of mourning and didn’t mean to leave you out. What’s more, I don’t believe that you are really angry with her. I believe you’re angry that your friend died.

I think you are also angry with yourself. You feel guilty that you weren’t more in touch with your friend during this time. But it isn’t your fault. Although you weren’t physically by your friend’s side during those final weeks, you gave him 50 years of friendship. That is what counts.

Forgive yourself, and forgive your friend’s wife. I’m sure it’s what he would have wanted.

Dear Annie: I am writing in response to your column concerning the person who wrote in about her humming co-worker.

The letter writer may be suffering from misophonia, a condition with which I also suffer. Repeated noises produce intense anxiety responses in people with this condition. Before you dismiss your reader’s responses as just “unpleasant,” please realize that some sensitive people have physical responses to repeated sounds that are impossible to control and, indeed, are debilitating. The medication I am currently taking helps me to calm down a bit, but I have not found anything to control or remove it. Living With Misophonia