ARE WE THE WORST DRIVERS?
Montrealers keep failing to fail
Shocking!! A Montrealer has never had the (dis) honour of having been selected Canada’s Worst Driver.
But our luck could soon change. A team of fearless producers will be hitting city streets next month in search of candidates for what could be the Discovery Channel’s (lucky for us) 13th season of Canada’s Worst Driver.
Frankly, the producers need not come. We could simply submit footage of the infamous Beaver Hall Hill pileup of last Dec. 5 — which was carried on TV stations around the world. True, the city got a large assist here for not salting the ice-covered street — because who knew there might be snow and ice in Montreal in December.
Regardless, if the show had different categories for drivers, Montreal would surely win for Canada’s Worst Bus, Snowplow, Truck and Police Car Driver, not to mention for regular sedan driver. (Out of luck for contention in the taxi category was the sole driver to avoid colliding with the others, because he actually knew how to manoeuvre his way out of trouble, likely because he stayed awake during driver’s-ed classes.)
To be fair, a few Montrealers have come close to earning the Canada’s Worst Driver title, having even made it to the Elite Eight in past years, wherein those selected face off against one another all the while getting lessons on improving their etiquette at a driver rehab facility.
Île-Perrot resident Tyler Fitzsimons made it to the Elite Eight for Season 10.
And having undertaken a hair-raising ride (and it takes a lot for this mop of curls to rise) with him on the highway, it was particularly hard to fathom how he didn’t win the title.
There are slow and cautious drivers, and then there was Fitzsimons. We were cruising at 53 km/h on Highway 20, with vehicles passing us at twice and three times that speed. Fitzsimons was oblivious. But then he decided he would like to go right in 50 metres — while still in the left-hand lane. We nearly got hit trying to make it to the righthand lane. We missed the cut-off.
Much honking ensued. Many middle fingers were hoisted in our direction. Both driver and passenger were in a cold sweat.
Even worse, if he hadn’t found an exit on the left kilometres ahead, we would have ended up in Toronto 12 hours later.
But here’s the kicker: Fitzsimons has his pilot’s licence.
Yes, he soars the skies over the city in a Cessna.
Series host Andrew Younghusband also had the privilege of riding with Fitzsimons.
Small wonder that he claimed back then that he had aged 70 years in the last 10.
Meredith Veats, head of casting for Canada’s Worst Driver, is also rather mystified that Fitzsimons wasn’t crowned champion.
She is even more mystified that a Montrealer has never won the title. She saw the Beaver Hall Hill footage. She has driven our streets with some of our worst. And she will be doing so again in March as she and her team will be scrutinizing nominees.
She believes Montreal has a winning combination: bad drivers and bad roads. “Oh, those potholes!” she mutters.
But the Toronto native doesn’t believe that the lack of baddriver recognition is another anti-Montreal bias. “Honestly, can anyone explain why a Montrealer has yet to claim the title of Canada’s Worst Driver?” Even Veats sounds incredulous.
“We’ve had a lot of nominations from Montreal and we’ve been there a lot,” she says.
“I have seen it first-hand. You have a different breed of drivers in Montreal as well as in the rest of Quebec. But somehow they’ve escaped proper recognition. I don’t know how they have managed that.”
To ensure possible victory, Montrealers have until March 31 to nominate others — or themselves — by going online to canadasworstdriver.ca.
“We then collect the nominations and speak to the nominees. Then we set up individual appointments, so we can really judge for ourselves just how bad these drivers are. Then our Worst Driver scouting team goes through the 900 to 1,000 nominations to arrive at the Elite Eight — the worst of the worst — from which a champion will emerge,” Veats explains. “And maybe then it will be finally time to give Montreal its due.”
Shooting will take place with the Elite Eight this summer, and Season 13 will begin airing in October.
Most of the bad Canadian drivers Veats et al come into contact with tend to be overly slow, tentative and inordinately nervous.
Surprise, our bad drivers take the opposite tack: fast, overly aggressive tailgaters — often with a penchant for texting at the same time and not using signals, because their hands are otherwise occupied, while weaving from lane to lane.
“And let’s not forget: also while applying fake eyelashes at the same time,” Veats cracks. “But the point of the series is that maybe we can fix these bad habits in our rehab facility.”
What? Electric-shock therapy? Apparently not.
“Some people just don’t know how bad they are, so by working and driving with them, we can hopefully help,” Veats says.
“We do have a good success rate, too.”
Veats does warn prospective Montreal candidates that they will have to be a special kind of bad to out-do last year’s winner, Krystal McCann of Edmonton: “She was just so impatient, so aggressive, maybe the worst of the worst ever. She was really dangerous.”
OK, so now our sights are set. Fingers crossed, Montreal.