Hey Justin, here’s how you deal with Trump
Try bonding over Twitter, refrain from looking at his hair and you’ll be OK
At last, the political showdown the whole world’s been waiting for: What happens when Mr. Trudeau goes to Washington?
It’s “Sunny Ways” Justin Trudeau vs. “Tropical Storm” Donald Trump in the most anticipated U.S.-Canada matchup since an angry Lyndon Johnson grabbed ex-prime minister Lester Pearson by the shirt collar, then lifted him off the floor.
What will happen when the two current national leaders collide: one a gentle-tempered, immigrant-welcoming, eco-sensitive feminist; the other a refugee-bashing, wall-loving, sexist tycoon who thinks climate change is a button on his air conditioner?
Barack Obama welcomed Trudeau with pomp and circumstance, but now it may be pride and prejudice.
Mr. Trudeau, I’m no diplomat, so I’m perfect to offer you some tips for our new age of non-diplomacy.
First, remember President Trump’s top priority this week isn’t ISIS, Iran or Iraq — it’s his daughter Ivanka’s clothing line getting dropped by luxury store Nordstrom.
The Clothing-gate Crisis has so infuriated Trump he’s fired off tweets from his official presidential account saying, Ivanka has been treated “so unfairly … Terrible!”
So Mr. Trudeau, you might suggest your wife Sophie sport a small Ivanka Rio gold-lamé credit card holder (only $130!)
Whatever you do, don’t wear anything from Nordstrom or the president could go nuclear. In the words of Press Secretary Sean Spicer, Nordstrom’s dropping of Ivanka’s clothing is a “direct attack” on the U.S. leader — and we don’t want to set off a world war.
Other conversational tips: Mention you were a big fan of Celebrity Apprentice before Arnold Schwarzenegger terminated its ratings. But don’t speak any diplomatic French, he’ll just think you’re from France and try to pressure you into leaving the European Union.
Whatever you do, don’t stair at his hair.
Trump will also want to discuss NAFTA and how he can squeeze a better deal out of a fair deal. Try to keep the trade portion of the meeting focused on hockey trades, baseball trades, stock trades and reality show Trading Places.
If Trump insists on getting a big concession to show he’s won, let’s offer to rename Ottawa’s Peace Tower the Trump Tower.
If the subject of “The Wall” comes up, tell him how much we Canadians like walls. We love walls between rooms and between buildings, we love seawalls, Great Walls, Wallander, Pink Floyd’s The Wall and wallpaper — but not walls between countries.
Unfortunately, according to my own sources in the State Department, Trump is now considering a wall between our two countries to keep out “loser” Canadian weather. Here’s a transcript of a private message from Trump to his Secretary For The Destruction Of The Environment:
“Tired of damn artic cold fronts coming over the $#@^% Canadaian border and freezing our assets. Terrible, just terrible! Time to build a weather wall! Gonna be so high it blocks off the clouds and cold air — and Canada’s gonna pay for it!”
Mr. Trudeau, this is your chance to stand tall and be a cold warrior.
Also, remember to take lots of your usual selfies — of you and Trump drinking, eating or making fun faces while state officials blab, so he can text them to friends.
You’re both big tweeters, so send some private messages to him, too. During the meeting when other officials are talking details, message him saying things like: “Bor-rrring ... zzzz. U believe this?”
Refugee policy is another delicate subject. Trump barked at Australia’s PM that he doesn’t want their “next Boston bomber” and at Mexico’s president that he doesn’t want all their “bad hombres.”
Tell him you’re delighted to help out by taking some “hombres” off his hands: the foreign-born scientists, artists, high-tech engineers, doctors, surgeons and psychiatrists being barred from America.
Finally, rumours of Sarah Palin being named ambassador to Canada are everywhere since Trump’s press secretary refused to say it was an alternative fact.
The Twittersphere is filled with messages like: “#Sarah Palin considered for ambassador to Canada. Presently heading to Europe to visit Canada.” But others say Canada should take a hit for the whole planet. So tell Trump she’s an excellent choice. She’ll be a gift to Canadian humorists.
Another leaked transcript from the State Department records a recent meeting between Palin and Trump:
Trump: Sarah, you know Canada, right?
Palin: You betcha, Mr. President. Like the back of my yard, sir. It’s a lot like Alaska, but I think it’s spelled differently, with a C in there somewhere … or maybe it’s a K.
Trump: Yeah, definitely a K. What’s it like anyway?
Palin: Don’t worry about those losers, sir. They’re on my watch now. I’ll head for Oshawa tomorrow to drop in on their president. Betcha he’s surprised.
Whatever you do, don’t wear anything from Nordstrom or ... (Trump) could go nuclear.