WHEN EVERY DAY IS APRIL FOOL’S, APRIL 1 BECOMES REDUNDANT

April Fool’s Day has been cancelled, starting today.

The April Fool himself tearfully announced the news, dressed in a sober three-piece suit instead of his usual alien-clown-robot-goldfish-giant-midget-banana outfit.

The Fool announced that times have finally caught up with his formerly foolish day, for several reasons.

First, the traditional April 1 hoaxes by newspapers running funny, fake stories can no longer compete with today’s daily headlines.

For every absurd fake news story we dream up on April 1, says The Fool, the U.S. government literally Trumps us with fake real news stories.

Who can out-hoax a president who tweets that British MI5 agents are bugging his office, secretly hired by the last U.S. president?

Who can compete with the head of the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency who wants to destroy his own agency — and the environment? Who can out-spoof a secretary of education who doesn’t believe in public education?

In the old days, a headline saying that the first lady doesn’t live in the White House because it’s too shabby, would have been a great prank! Now it’s just the news, says the unhappy Fool.

It’s the same for many headlines in other countries, he adds, such as “Montreal mayor jailed for 12 months.” Or “Britain announces it’s quitting Europe.”

“The news is so foolish we April Fools can’t keep up anymore,” mourns The Fool.

“Today every day is April Fool’s Day.”

The second problem facing April first, according to The Fool, is that traditional practical jokes are now seen as questionable, even unacceptable.

In Aprils past, Dads everywhere would routinely jump out of the closet and shout “April fool!” at their scared-out-of-their-pants sons. Today, that would be seen as psychologically damaging — making your home an “unsafe space” that could require years of child therapy to mend.

Wear a gorilla costume to breakfast April 1 and roar for more bananas and the SPCA will accuse you of “speciesism,” or cultural appropriation of animal kingdom practices.

Let alone leaving some marbles strewn about the floor, another once-popular April Fool’s prank that would now land you in jail for child abuse.

Even in France and Italy, “Poisson d’avril” jokes are vanishing, laments The Fool. The standard April 1 joke there used to be hiding a paper fish on someone’s back, so everyone else would giggle at them.

Try that now and you’ll be accused of bullying, while a Fish Rights group denounces you for denigrating sea life. Even shouting “April fool!!” violates many suburban noise bylaws, not to mention Quebec’s Frenchlanguage law.

Other classic gags like wearing a funny face mask to school would likely get you arrested in France, on charges of terrorism.

“Practical jokes are no longer practical,” laments The Fool. “In fact, my April 1 joke insurance rates have gone through the roof.”

Thirdly, April 1 has come under attack from a growing army of critics (really) who say its practical jokes are “creepy … rude ... nasty ... manipulative” and encourage schadenfreude — or taking pleasure in the misfortune of others.

This has legal implication, warns The Fool, recalling some of the great April 1 spoofs of all time. For instance, there was the legendary BBC fake TV documentary about Italy’s “annual spaghetti harvest” — with footage showing supposed pasta workers picking spaghetti strands off spaghetti trees.

In its day this spoof caused great laughter, but also embarrassment to some viewers who had been “fooled.” Today it would be attacked as fake news by legions of outraged pundits — and provoke a multi-billiondollar lawsuit for damaging the reputation of Italian spaghetti.

April first has a fourth problem too, says The Fool.

The recently formed Association Against Anti-April Abuse (AAAAA) is claiming damages from The Fool for unfairly singling out the month — and helping foster a generally anti-April environment.

Not only is April branded “the cruelest month” say AAAAA lawyers, but it also brings April showers and gloomy income tax deadlines — as well as April Fool’s jokes.

“Why pick on one month?” lawyers say. “This type of calendar bullying must be stopped.”

The Fool’s critics include many people with birthdays on April 1. They claim they’ve been traumatized for decades by opening birthday gifts only to find smoke bombs, jack-in-the-boxes, firecrackers and most often, empty boxes.

“Why is the joke always on us, eh?” demands AAAAA.

Finally — and fifthly — the word “fool” itself is no longer viewed as politically acceptable, admits The Fool. “There’s pressure to replace ‘fool’ with a less demeaning word, such as ‘silly-willy’, or ‘misguided person’ — since that’s what foolish people really are.”

Anti-April firsters have urged changing the date annually so every day is eventually a joke — though in recent months that seems obvious.

They’ve also suggested renaming April Fool’s Day something less “month-ist,” like “Every Day Is A Silly Day” Day.

But The Fool thinks we should just call it “President’s Day.”

There’s pressure to replace ‘fool’ with a less demeaning word, such as ‘silly-willy’, or ‘misguided person’ — since that’s what foolish people really are.