Abusive situation is causing anxiety
Dear Annie: Please, I’d like your confirmation that the family situation I’m in is not normal. I am in my second marriage, and all of our children are grown and raising their own families.
My stepdaughter married a man and has children with him. He is an alcoholic and an abuser.
The SWAT team has been called on occasion to defuse his actions. She does not press charges against him, so this pattern continues.
Each time she “leaves” him, she calls her father, my husband, for money to help her get some type of housing. Within a week of her request she returns the funds and goes back.
My problem, other than the fact that it’s a constant emotional roller coaster, is that her father has heart and anxiety problems. I am concerned about his health, because I see what this does to him. As a step-parent, what can I do?
I am finding it harder and harder to be supportive to her because nothing changes and it affects my life with my wonderful husband.
Thanks for letting me vent. Worried Stepmother
Dear Worried: I have a feeling that this situation is causing your husband anxiety 24/7, not just when your stepdaughter calls for money.
The most pressing matter here is the safety of your grandchildren. At best, they’re in an unhealthy environment; at worst, they’re being abused or witnessing the abuse of their mother.
Call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline (800-422-4453) to consult with professional counsellors who can give you information. If your daughter or grandchildren are in immediate danger, call 911. Don’t give up on your stepdaughter. On average, a victim will leave her abuser seven times before finally leaving for good. Your husband is right to offer his support. Counselling (by a therapist or religious adviser) and relaxation techniques, such as meditation, may help him insulate himself from the stress. For more information and resources, visit The National Domestic Violence Hotline’s website at thehotline.org.
Dear Annie: The letter from “Apprehensive,” whose fiancee wants to have five children whereas he only wants one or two, cracked me up. Two people who want to be parents are ready to break up over the number of children they “want to have.” Look, amigos. Have a kid. If you can stand that one, negotiate another. If you are not broke or overwhelmed yet, negotiate another. I had a son via a caesarean section and then a daughter — who was nine pounds, 10½ ounces — via a vaginal delivery with no epidural. Darn right we stopped after her. The point is, you start and then you will know when to stop. Do not invent trouble, unless you just want out and are looking for any piddling excuse. Cathy
Dear Cathy: I heard from several readers who echoed that sentiment. Though I think there’s plenty to be said for planning ahead, you’re right; they should stop short of inventing trouble. There’s an overabundance of that as it is.