Don’t trash talk partner

Dear Annie: My boyfriend, “Hector,” and I have been dating for four years. Like any couple, we’ve had our ups and downs. The beginning of last year was especially bad. We each hit a wall professionally, were always frustrated and stressed out, and it inevitably affected the way we treated each other.

During this rocky time, I talked to my good friend “Michelle” a lot about the problems Hector and I were having. This was the first Michelle was really hearing details about my relationship, and they were all bad. As good friends do, Michelle immediately took my side in the fight.

Fast-forward a year. Hector and I have improved our communication skills and are happier than ever. We talk about marriage regularly. I really think he’s the one.

The problem now is Michelle still hates him. I told her I know she got a bad impression of Hector from things I said but we have worked on our communication and are doing much better. She said something like “that’s great,” but I knew she didn’t mean it.

I feel I should never have opened up to Michelle about the problems we were having. How can you talk to friends about your relationship problems without their judging your relationship?

— Foot in Mouth

Dear Foot in Mouth: You can’t. That’s why the only person with whom you should be discussing your relationship problems is the person you’re in the relationship with. It’s not just the most respectful option; it’s the most constructive, because he or she is the only person who can help solve the problem.

Michelle will come around in time, if Hector continues to be a good boyfriend. But take this experience as a lesson.

I must note that abuse is an important exception to this advice. Readers, if you feel unsafe, please reach out to friends or call The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.

Dear Annie: The most wonderful in-laws decide when their children come to them with marriage problems, always — no matter what they truly think — side with the children’s spouses. After many years, my mother-in-law clued me in that she was doing this. Whenever my husband talked to her about a problem in our marriage, she told him she thought I was right, even if she really thought I was wrong. This was to encourage my husband to talk to me directly. In hindsight, I believe it really helped.

— B.F.

Dear B.F.: Humility is a virtue the best parents instil in children from a young age. Even when kids are grown, parents can continue to model humility, forgiveness and empathy, especially when it comes to marriage. No one is perfect.