OH CANADA, LET’S SHOW NATIONAL PRIDE, PLEASE

It’s Canada’s 150th birthday and everyone’s wildly celebrating us — except us.

As we mark a century-and-ahalf since Confederation, the world looks enviously at Canada, like a model nation, practically a Shangri-La.

International papers like the New York Times and Britain’s the Guardian are running daily stories about how sane, civilized and sensitive we are.

They praise our tolerant, peaceful ways, our “ruthlessly smart immigration policy,” our “brilliant … efficient” government services they’ve obviously never used.

They laud our rock star PM, who looks terrific compared to other world leaders — because he hasn’t done anything terrible.

“The world needs more Canada,” declared Barack Obama recently, while the Times writes things like: “All around the world, countries are slamming the doors shut. One great exception: Canada. It may now be the finest example of the values of the Statue of Liberty.”

It’s all so shamelessly proCanadian it makes me feel embarrassed and … well, unCanadian. And I’m not alone. For all the global gushing about Canada’s birthday most Canadians aren’t sharing it.

Many here feel we shouldn’t be celebrating Confederation at all — a blah-blah deal worked out by some old white guys and London, to carve up former native land.

Indigenous demonstrators are protesting on Parliament Hill, asking “why celebrate 150 years of colonization?”

Most Quebecers aren’t too interested in Canada’s big birthday either.

In fairness, they barely paid attention to Quebec’s national holiday last week — until St-Jean organizers shrewdly made eyecatching headlines, by getting black youth to push floats carrying white people. Great PR, guys! Meanwhile, over 70 per cent of Canadians say Ottawa is spending too much on Canada’s 150th festivities. As other nations lavishly celebrate Canada, we’re saying: What’s the big deal?

We are an uncertain nation, always questioning, criticizing and doubting ourselves, always in national self-therapy. There are many reasons for this.

First, we grew up in the shadow of the U.S., the biggest, loudest, brashest country on Earth — the Disneyland of nations.

Canada is what Robin Williams once called “a really nice apartment over a meth lab.”

Historically, we are a timid, cautious bunch. Many early Canadians came to escape war and gunfire from the French Revolution, or the American Revolution. They preferred a land of Quiet Evolution, as millions more newcomers have since.

We are a soft nation, not an alpha one.

We were never an empire like the U.S., England or France — so we couldn’t afford to become too arrogant, or patriotic.

We don’t wave flags at baseball games, barbecues and bedtime like Americans do.

We don’t talk to our flag either, while pledging our allegiance, any more than we’d talk to a fire hydrant. We don’t belt out our national anthem as if we were on Broadway.

We are a conflict-avoiding nation, so un-militaristic that when fighter jets buzzed an Alouettes football game last week, my whole neighbourhood came out in alarm, to call the police.

We are a self-effacing country that rarely says anything is “awesome,” or “super” — just “pretty good,” or “not bad” or “pas pire.”

We are famously polite — our national slogan is ‘I’m sorry!’

For instance: “I’m sorry you stepped on my foot, really sir. I know I may be apologizing too much, and I’m sorry about that too.”

Frankly, there’s rarely been a time when Canadians have more cause to feel proud than this Canada Day.

In the U.S., a nation of immigrants is banning many immigrants — and the Land of Liberty is toying with authoritarianism.

In France, a tolerant new president triumphed, but must constantly look over his shoulder at the far-right Front National.

Britain is living out the nightmare we Canadians dodged.

We spent decades debating our country’s future, but somehow avoided Quexit.

England chose Brexit, which may well take decades to resolve. We had the neverendum flu, they have the EU blues.

In the midst of all this, Canada is sailing along in a spirit of tolerance and reconciliation.

So join the rest of the globe and show a tiny bit of Canadian pride.

Burst out some patriotism by putting a one-inch Maple Leaf tag on your luggage that you took off during the Harper years.

Quietly sing “Oh Canada” in the shower, and see if you remember the words from high school.

Go to Tim Hortons and order a double double-double — and their new “poutine doughnut” (only available in the U.S.).

Stuff yourself with Canadian bacon smothered in maple syrup, then get tipsy on Canada Dry.

Be daring and wear some red and white … underwear!

I’m fine with the 150th birthday celebration myself, as long as it’s not too big, or brash, or un-Canadian. But I’m sorry, world, really sorry.

We’re not really the model nation you think.

We’re just not a bad country, compared to all the other countries out there right at the moment, given the current circumstances.

And I’m sorry if that offends you.