Let’s thumb through the Montreal 375 expenses

Projects range from granite tree stumps on Mount Royal to Cité Mémoire

I have finally seen the muchdiscussed granite tree stumps on Mount Royal — and I’m stumped.

A small cluster of grey stone lumps showed up on the mountain last week, in an area dotted with actual tree stumps.

There’s nothing ugly about the slanted granite “stumps,” or the French poems engraved on them. But I prefer the real stumps, which are homegrown on our mountain — and definitely cheaper than the $3.45 million for several dozen granite ones.

I don’t think tourists will even know what they are — who would imagine manufactured tree stumps strewn among real ones? They’ll probably think they’re slanted seats for people with crooked bums, or some weird astrological stone garden — a mini-Stonehenge.

Our granite stumps get two thumbs down from this Untrained Architecture Critic — Ignoramus Josh.

Overall, there’s been a lot of grumbling about the money spent on our 375th birthday, mainly from us grumpy anglos, who have never recovered from the billion-dollar Big Owe fiasco.

So what are we Montrealers getting for our money — birthday gifts, or gaffes? Here’s Ignoramus Josh’s mid-2017 review:

The Discovery Stops: This is another 375th project I’ve watched going up on Mount Royal whenever I bike up the dirt road.

The city has pruned several swaths of trees to reveal lovely new vistas of Montreal. But instead of plopping down nice wooden benches like elsewhere on the mountain, they’ve installed artsy, long concrete beams, as “discovery” viewing seats.

The beams angle up esthetically at both ends so only two people can fit. Why pay millions for people to perch on an uncomfortable slab instead of a comfy wooden bench?

Two thumbs down from Ignoramus Josh.

Bonaventure project: The dismantling of the hideous elevated expressway that was the entranceway to Montreal from the Champlain Bridge is astonishing. It’s hard to believe it was ever there, now that it’s gone.

Instead, it’s being rebuilt as an “urban boulevard” to be lined by a long green park that should be an emblematic gateway to Montreal.

Then again, we could just leave the horror show of cones and construction signs that’s there now — since that’s an emblematic gateway to Montreal, too.

Two thumbs up.

The Jacques Cartier Bridge lighting: It’s another controversial project you can now judge for yourself.

I love illuminated bridges, from San Francisco’s and London’s to the hallucinogenic lit-up bridges of Asia. Our $39.5-million luminous bridge (funded largely by Ottawa) is as classy an addition to the night skyline as any I’ve seen.

It turns 365 colours a year depending on the city’s “mood” — with greens in spring, reds in fall, blues to reflect our winter blues and probably pitch black when the Habs lose.

But I wish we’d spent half as much and the bridge only changed colour four times a year. Score: 1.25 thumbs.

The river-to-mountain promenade: This four-kilometre pedestrian walkway will connect Montreal’s two defining trademarks — the river and the cross — when it’s unveiled on Monday.

It’s a lovely concept, but at some $56 million it’s way over budget — another defining Montreal trademark. It better prove hugely popular, or someone should have their thumbs broken.

Cité Mémoire: This officially listed 375th project actually made its debut last year, but has been expanded for our birthday year.

It’s a fabulous historical walking tour of Old Montreal, with lovely, poetic short films about the city’s history projected onto many walls and streets — from the burning of Parliament to the story of Jackie Robinson.

If you haven’t seen the show, go soon — you’ve already paid the admission. Four thumbs up.

Champlain Bridge 2.0: It’s not a 375th project, but it’s hard to ignore our new federally funded $4-billion bridge, magically rising up this year beside the old Champlain. Every time I cross, I pray the old one doesn’t collapse before the new one’s ready.

There’s also Montreal’s neverending Festival of Construction that’s rebuilding our city’s entire infrastructure, at a cost of $6 billion and 12 billion hours of traffic misery.

Critics say it’s a pre-election ploy by city hall, but you don’t gain many votes by tearing up streets 24/7 and promising traffic jams for the next three years.

I’m glad the city had the guts to subject us to this nightmare, whereas previous administrations ducked it for decades while our infrastructure crumbled.

If we survive this ordeal, let’s pray we don’t go through it again for several more decades.

If so, it will get 10 thumbs up from me.

Overall, my 375th midterm mark is 3/4 of a thumb, but I’ve still got one undecided thumb in reserve until year’s end.

By then, all Montrealers can judge in our November city election.

Meanwhile, Ignoramus Josh has a great idea for how to use the rest of those granite tree stumps about to go up around the mountain.

They look the perfect size to fill some potholes.

I prefer the real stumps, which are homegrown on our mountain — and definitely cheaper than the $3.45 million for several dozen granite ones.

DAVE SIDAWAY Perhaps the bill for the Jacques Cartier Bridge’s lights could have been reduced if they only changed colour four times a year, Josh Freed writes.