Our, uh, um, reliance, uh, on uh, ums
The sounds people make when searching for a word, or running out of things to say
Um, I don’t quite believe this, but there are … uh, hundreds of — you know — linguists and psychologists studying the little … er, fumbles we make when we have, like, um … conversations.
In fact, “uh” and “um” are sounds we all use a lot without thinking when we’re searching for a name, or a word, or trying to say something, uh … diplomatically, or um, whatever.
When I watch cable news panels I’m amazed by the umlessness of some professional motor-mouths, like CNN’s John King, who rattles on for 30 minutes without a single, uh … um.
But the rest of us are ummers of one kind or another. Older people often use “y’know,” while teenagers prefer to use “like” — as in “like you know what I mean when I say like, I ‘liked’ that guy, but I don’t literally … like, like him.”
According to large studies, men use “um” 40 per cent more often than women do — apparently because we’re hesitant to yield the floor and admit we’ve run out of real words to say. So listen up guys, eh?
Mysteriously, women prefer to say “uh,” which they use much more often than men, while they rarely say “um.” Women also say “you know,” “I mean” and “like” more frequently — though I have no idea, like what that means.
I learned some of this from a book called Um by Michael Erard, who’s a leading “um expert.” But I’ve always ummed and uhhed myself, because I talk fast and my lips sometimes fall behind my brain — so they need some flapping time to catch up.
In grade school, teachers tried to beat the uh out of me by saying “Josh, talk more slowly … and think before you speak.” But I was a terminal talker, not a thinker.
Why do we do it? Partly we’re just fumbling around for words, but we’re also telling the listener: “Hang on, I need a second. Don’t interrupt me!”
Meanwhile, the other person lets us know they’re listening by using the odd “mm-hmmm” or “uh-huh” so that between you, the conversation can sound like this:
You: I meant to tell you: I just bumped into, uh … what’s-hername…um…uh…
Them: Huh?
You: You know — from the other night … Ellen!
Them: Ohh! … Mm-hmm. You: Ellen what’s-her-name, uh…uh
Them: Oh yeah, I know! It’s, um ... um ...
Both: uh … uh …
Speech coaches teach politicians to replace these sounds with silences, but many never learn. Justin Trudeau is famous for uhhing, especially when he’s off script.
In one remarkable clip on YouTube, he’s caught using 50 “uhs” in just over a minute.
George W. Bush is a halting C-minus speaker, but an A-plus ummer. Even Obama will throw in some “ums” when he’s not using a Teleprompter and he’s searching for just the right words.
Trump never, ever says “um” or “uh” — they were drilled out of him by business speech coaches. Instead he just stalls for thinking time by repeating everything:
“She is the most fantastic person in the world! … The most fantastic person ever! Just fantastic! … Fantastic! … Honestly folks, she’s just awesomely fantastically fantastic!!”
It’s not only us English-speakers who er … um. People all over the world have similar pauses in their conversation — from the French “euh” to the German “äh,” Lithuanian “eee” and Japanese “etto.”
In fact, when I’m stumbling in French, an “euh” somehow fits better than an “um” or “uh.” As in “J’ai voulu dire que … euh … euh ... tu es merveilleux.”
“Ums” and “uhs” have many enemies, but none are bigger than Toastmasters International, whose 12,000 clubs all have official um-counters — who charge speakers a nickel for every pause that’s not silent.
Yet it’s hard not to “um” or “uh” occasionally, given that people talk 130 to 150 words a minute. If anything it’s a mark of being human and thinking on your feet.
In fact, uh-ther experts have found that phone sales reps who never make sounds like “um” or “uh” are less successful, because people think they sound scripted and soulless.
So where does that leave Siri and other yakky new gadgets that never fumble for words?
On my phone, Siri handles all pauses in eerie, machine-y silence, while displaying colourful darting lines to distract me from the fact she’s not human. But eventually her designers will make her speak more like a real person — and my GPS will sound like this: “Well Josh, turn … ummmm … right at the next stop. Then in 500 metres go, uhhh … left — er, I meant right. Now continue like, straight, for another, uh, 500 metres until hmmm ... let me see …”
You won’t get there as quickly, but you’ll feel like your spouse is giving directions. Until then, remember:
To um is human, to er divine.